I've been engaged for a long time. We met each other when we were teens and have been together since. This September 2nd is our wedding day.. 11 years to the day of our meeting (11 is also our lucky number!) we were thrilled to do this.
When I told my mother we were finally going to tie the knot, she insisted on giving me my grandmother's wedding ring and let me pick a ring from her extensive jewelry collection for the official engagement ring and passed it onto my fiance who then put it on my finger.
So when we set the date she started to get fussy and controlling. We were planning a short, outdoor ceremony in the afternoon- we wanted it to be a "hippie-fairy" wedding. First she started insisting on buying me a dress, even though I already have a dress I was planning on wearing.. a white cotton sundress that I picked out a long time ago. She kept complaining about it. And then complained that we were having it outside. And then complained when I said I wanted to be barefoot on the grass.. then when I said that there was a Unitarian minister who I was going to try to contact if the first JP I emailed can't make that date, she tried to convince me to have it inside the UU church.
Then she tried to convince me to change the date because my brother might be leaving a few days before the wedding to go to China to teach and she doesn't want to loose 400 dollars for a day's pay as Sept 2nd falls on a Wednesday.
I expected her to try and control my wedding and meddle and make it traditional and "socially acceptable" But I was unprepared for the shock of my mother telling me "I know it's an important date for you but I don't want to loose 400 dollars". I haven't asked her to pay for anything. I'm paying for the JP, my dress, the decorations and the rest out of my own pocket. It won't be large or expensive. That's not what I want. That's not what I'm comfortable with. It's not who we are as people. Right now she actually owes me 500.00 back and I told her if the money was such a problem then she can keep it and just show up on the 2nd.
I'm very frustrated by her behavior and at this point I'm not comfortable with her even being there. I don't want her introducing her negativity into our union and our special day.
What should I do about this?
(This post was
edited by lumiscente on Jun 2, 2009, 3:37 AM)
There really isn't any etiquette to answer your issue. However, since you asked, I will offer my opinion.
It's difficult to take a complex family situation and comment on it in just a few paragraphs. I have found that there are always at least two sides to every story, and we haven't had your mother's side. Even though you can type out what she has said and done, there is just so much more we can gather from voice inflection, relationship history and the like, so it would be difficult to give you any real advice, other than to talk to your mom. Having a wedding on a Wednesday isn't typical, though done, and your mom may have some serious financial/employment issues. You may not be privy to these issues and she may be reluctant to share them with you. This may be wrong, but I'm simply trying to get you to put yourself in her place. Of course, she could be a huge control freak, but it can never hurt to talk and share feelings. I always try to begin these conversations with "I feel like..." rather than "You make me feel", which is less confrontational.
If I were you, I'd do as my father instructed me time and time again, "Pick your battles!" Give in on some of the issues that matter less and stand firm on the parts of the wedding you hold dear. This may loosen your mother up to feel as though you have some care for her comfort and feelings. As a mother myself, I know it would be very hurtful if my daughter were to tell me that she's getting married and it's going to be all her way, even if her way meant I couldn't even attend. I would hope that my daughter would never want to be married without me in attendance, and she showed it. You may get a lot further with mom if you were able to show her your level of care and love. That's all most parents want. We may not always go about it in the right way, but we have the best intentions, usually.
I wish you well, Top Wedding Questions Forum Moderator - "Write your sorrows in the sand, your blessings in stone".
I couldn't agree more. And, from one who has lost my mother, I can share that losing your relationship with your mother can cost dearly. Rebecca Black, Etiquette Now
Meddling mother going too far?
