My fiance and I are in a unique situation. My mother is deceased, and my father is a dead-beat, therefore my parents are not involved in the wedding. My fiance's parents have offered to pay for the reception which is a wonderful gesture and helps us out immensely. My future MIL is a very opinionated woman, who always has to speak her mind about everything. Since they have offered to pay for the bulk of the wedding, I feel bullied whenever we talk about things about the wedding because she doesn't always give me a chance to talk. And any time I do get to talk, she expands on what I say by adding 3 other options. My fiance and I are paying for the flowers, yet he wants to take his parents with us to meet with this vendor. He also wants to take his parents with us to meet with our baker. I have asked him to leave them behind for these events because his mom is so opinionated. I wouldn't mind her being there if she could just be silent and let us figure things out for ourselves.
Last night, one of my bridesmaids said that my future MIL was talking about getting these crazy linens for the reception that clashed with my colors. Upset, I called my fiance and explained to him that this is the reason why I would like to leave her behind when we choose our flowers and cake. Her opinions are so prominent. He called his mom and got upset with her for ordering linens, which is not what told him she was doing. All I was saying is that she has this image inside her head of what she would like, and she doesn't give me a chance to explain what I would like. I thought this was my day.
I called my future MIL, and she spent about 10-15 minutes straight screaming at me, so bad that her words were breaking-up. I tried to explain to her that I would like a chance to get my opinions out before she begins expressing herself, and that flew her off the handle. I also tried to explain to her that there are some things that I would like to do without them there, and that made it even worse. She said that I don't know how to work with other people, and that I don't know how to ask for help. This whole wedding is focused on her family's traditions (she's 100% italian), so I just don't understand how I have not been working with other people. Having no other option, I hung-up on her. I couldn't take it anymore.
I spoke with my fiance, and now he says that this is all my fault, and that he wants his parents to be included in everything because they are so excited. He said that I need to learn how to coexist with his mom before he will move further with me. Now I am scared to call his mom because I do not want to get yelled at more. I would like to clear the air, and I would also like her to learn to step back. This is an issue that keeps coming up, and I have been told by him and his mom that she has stepped back, and that this is my problem. But every next way I turn, she has all these ideas and opinions about the wedding. When I tell her exactly what I would like, there is always another option and opinion. I'm just not interested in that anymore. It's all or nothing with them. They just can't step back on a few things. Do you have any suggestions on what I can do to clear the air, but at the same time stand firm on what I would like for my wedding?
I don't know what you and your Fiance spoke about but it is obvious from what you have said here that you both are not on the same page where this wedding is concerned. And, that is where resolution must begin. You must both stand for the same things, together. If he is choosing to side with his parents against you, that is an indication that communication and understanding is out of order.
Now, to get everything well again, it may require some compromise, on both of your parts. Sometimes in weddings we can get so tied in up in the 'I WANT's that we become inconsiderate to others' feelings.
I recommend talking with your Fiance about what you want this wedding to be, and what you want it to be with him. Don't talk at him, talk with him. To the extent possible, refrain from negative references regarding the family. It will go a long way toward getting him to see your point of view.
His parents are paying for the reception so you do need to consider their feelings about how certain things may be. But that doesn't mean they receive a green light to have what they want entirely. Try to work with them. You are on your way to becoming in-laws so smoothing over the rough areas now can only benefit you later.
A wedding is just an event. Just one event in a person's life. It should bring two families together. But, it is just one day, one party.
Hopefully you two are planning more than just the one day. This should be the beginning of the rest of your lives. If you cannot accomplish this honest and thoughtful discouse on your own, perhaps a family therapist can help. Rebecca Black, Etiquette Now
Mother-In-Law Disaster!
