Mother of the bride telling mother of the groom to pay
Our son called last weekend with the news that he was engaged. We're thrilled. They told us they were thinking about a small May wedding at the college they attended, which is equidistant from both family homes.
Last night the bride's mother called me and said that she wanted to start scheduling the engagement parties and showers. She expects that there will be three of each -- one in the bride's family's home town, one in ours and one where the couple now lives. She has estimated the cost of the "appropriate" wedding at her country club and told me that our bill will be $15,000. I had no trouble saying that we could not afford that, so she told me to call her when we knew what we could afford. I was also to remember this will be the most special day in the bride's life so we should not be cheap.
I did say that I did not think it was proper etiquette for family members to host showers, but she said that she expected that we could find someone to host if we thought that was a problem.
What is the most appropriate way to handle this? Should I call my son, relate the conversation and let the couple deal with her mother? Should I simply say no to all of the above and wait and see what the couple wants? I would like to maintain amicable relationships throughout the wedding planning.
(This post was
edited by TWQadmin on Oct 9, 2009, 4:47 PM)
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Post #2 of 6
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Re: Mother of the bride telling mother of the groom to pay
[In reply to]
I can see your dilemma. You're not obligated to host a wedding for your son and neither are the bride's parents. It is their choice, and yours, to offer to pay or not.
I would get a wedding etiquette book for your son and ask him and his bride to deal with her mother. Perhaps the bride can rein in her mother and gently let her know that asking for money and insinuating you'll be considered cheap is rude. Maybe your son will have to explain that to the bride.
Explain your position to son, letting him know exactly what, if anything, you'll be able to host or give, as long as you feel comfortable doing so.
Best of luck with this. Top Wedding Questions Forum Moderator - "Write your sorrows in the sand, your blessings in stone".
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Post #3 of 6
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Re: Mother of the bride telling mother of the groom to pay
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I completely agree. The couple really needs to be in control here and hopefully they do see passed the greed that can become a principle player here.
Parents really shouldn't have anything to do with hosting, planning, or trying to find a host of a shower. And, three of any of those parties is way too many. I agree that an etiquette book and a huge dose of reality is needed here. Rebecca Black, Etiquette Now
ambushed
Post #4 of 6
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Re: Mother of the bride telling mother of the groom to pay
[In reply to]
Thank you for your good advice. I talked to my son, and he and his bride took over. She is an amazing diplomat and was able to resolve everything. It turns out her mother was simply following an older custom in their area and had not talked to anyone. There will now be one small engagement party, two small showers (one held by the bride's godmother and one by the bridesmaids) and a simple wedding at the college they both attended. They've chosen to have an early afternoon wedding with reception modeled on an English high tea. This fits their personalities and the budget!
TWQadmin
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Post #5 of 6
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Re: Mother of the bride telling mother of the groom to pay
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Wonderful news! It does work best, these days, to have the couple plan their own wedding.
Remember that the engagement party is not a gift giving event. If gifts are brought, please have the couple open them in private.
Have a wonderful time at the wedding. Top Wedding Questions Forum Moderator - "Write your sorrows in the sand, your blessings in stone".
Etiquette Now
WEDDING ETIQUETTE EXPERT
Post #6 of 6
(92 views)
Re: Mother of the bride telling mother of the groom to pay
[In reply to]
Great! I'm so glad the drama has ended.
Also, please remind the couple that all shower guests are also wedding guests. This is very important as only wedding guests may be invited to the shower. Rebecca Black, Etiquette Now
Mother of the bride telling mother of the groom to pay
