Not Inviting Difficult Mother's Boyfriend to the Wedding.
My common-law husband and I are getting legally married this summer after 10 years together. We are planning a very small, intimate ceremony and paying for it ourselves.
We have been deciding on the guest list and it will be approximately 20 people; our closest family and friends. There are many extended family members that we are not inviting because we are not that close to them or quite simply, don't get along with them. One of these is my mother's boyfriend. Without details, he is simply not someone we would wish to spend any time with, let alone this special day. My mother insists on repeatedly asking if we have "changed our minds" about inviting him. She has tried every reason why she feels he should attend and we have explained many reasons why we don't want him there. We have been calm and rational but she won't listen. We are at our wits end to have her understand and have told her outright that he is not welcome.
I don't know what advice you can provide, but if there is any "wording" that someone can think of to make her understand that this is our day and we decide who is there, not her. We are afraid that she may try to bring him or even just "leave him in the car" during the ceremony. He will be escorted out if he tries to attend, but we don't want our wedding ruined by her immaturity.
If she continues to push, would it be horrible to exclude her from the wedding? She has hinted at not coming to try and guilt us into having him come. I realize that this is perhaps a far more personal issue than a wedding issue, but I am so frustrated I don't know what to do. Our "simple" wedding is turning into a nightmare!
(This post was
edited by TWQadmin on Apr 18, 2006, 6:46 PM)
Etiquette Now
WEDDING ETIQUETTE EXPERT
Apr 18, 2006, 10:49 PM
Post #2 of 5
(745 views)
Re: [BookLady] Not Inviting Difficult Mother's Boyfriend to the Wedding.
[In reply to]
Dear Boyfriend Nightmare,
Generally a significant other, which could include the boyfriend if they have been seeing each other for a long while (gray area), should be invited. However, I'm hearing from the words not written here that he is not a very nice person. So, you are justified in my book not to invite him. We don't have to surround ourselves with people who can be ugly.
Now for words to make her understand... I wish I had some magic words for you. But, I don't. You could just tell her what you told us, that he will be escorted out if he tries to attend. That is honest and firm.
Jill
Psychotherapist: Second Weddings & Stepfamilies
Apr 19, 2006, 12:51 PM
Post #3 of 5
(740 views)
Re: [BookLady] Not Inviting Difficult Mother's Boyfriend to the Wedding.
[In reply to]
This is a very very difficult situation - I can only think that he must have done something which really has offended you. If so, can you talk to your mother about this? It may help her to understand your side of it. Keep in mind, too, that you run the real risk of her not coming to your wedding. How would you feel about that? Jill Curtis Psychotherapist, Author How to Get Married ... Again (A Guide to Second Weddings) London, UK http://www.familyonwards.com
BookLady
Apr 27, 2006, 1:48 AM
Post #4 of 5
(709 views)
Re: [Jill] Not Inviting Difficult Mother's Boyfriend to the Wedding.
[In reply to]
Thank you very much for your thoughtful responses.
We realize that traditionally, spouses are welcome at weddings, but there is no room for debate on him being there. Several of our friends have girlfriends/boyfriends that will not be invited, it's simply a matter of our comfort. We don't view our wedding as a social function. It will be a private, intimate ceremony that holds alot of meaning for us.
I think that I need to have a serious conversation with my mother regarding her role, not just in my wedding, but in my life. Since this post her attitude has gotten worse. She no longer asks if her boyfriend can attend, but now expects us to justify everyone else we are inviting! She is suddenly very jealous that my step-mother will be there. My step-mother has been in my life for over 20 years and has attended numerous "important" events in my life. There will be no "roles" in this ceremony aside from legal witnesses (which 2 friends will be filling) so her jealousy is unfounded and childish.
I'm just getting so frustrated that my only source of stress about my wedding is how to handle my mother! I am her only daughter and I am expecting this to be my only wedding so her being there is important to her and I. However, this day is not about her, it's about our commitment to each other. If my mother wasn't there, I would have other family present so I could accept it, although it would be hard.
There are more issues with her than just this wedding so I think some counselling will be our next step.
I really do appreciate your responses as they have helped!
yvonne"instep"
Social Worker, Stepmother, Certified Stepfamily Counsellor
May 2, 2006, 11:10 AM
Post #5 of 5
(666 views)
Re: [BookLady] Not Inviting Difficult Mother's Boyfriend to the Wedding.
[In reply to]
I apologize for coming in to this so late. I do agree that getting some professional support to help you sort out the issues between yourself and your mother, would be advisable. These things never get better with time, it's what you do with the time that counts. You alluded to the fact that there are other issues, perhaps deeper ones, and sometimes these come to the surface around special or significant times in our lives, like weddings.
It sounds like it is important for both of you that she attends and is a part of the wedding. It would be optimum if you could get some help now so that you can come to at least some understanding prior to the event. I would suggest speaking to your mom, explaining how important your relationship with her is, and that for that reason you would like a third party (counsellor) to help you sort through your issues so that you can get on with having a healthy, enjoyable mother-daughter relataionship.
You had mentioned something about inviting other family members if your mother doesn't attend, to help you through this. I hope I understood this correctly. I would think carefully before doing something like this as she may take this the wrong way, as her being replaced. Just something to think about. I wish you the best though, and with some help for your relationship, hopefully you will get to spend this special day together after all. Yvonne Kelly, MSW, RSW, Certified Stepfamily Counsellor and Coach, Co-Founder and Director of the Step and Blended Family Institute http://www.stepinstitute.ca
Not Inviting Difficult Mother's Boyfriend to the Wedding.
