My fiance and I have been engaged for 1 1/2 years. A few months after we were engaged, we moved out of state as a result of a job lay-off and a new job. About 6 months afterwards we bought a house, so needless to say, the wedding did not happen the same summer we bought the house. I so wish we had gotten married last summer instead of buying the house. In the fall, my mom became very ill. She's had a lot of health problems for a long time, but everything took a turn for the worse. I spent much of the next several months going back and forth between the two states (about a 9-10 hour drive). And she's been in and out of the hospital ever since. We had wanted to have a wedding this summer but then when my mom got sick, it just didn't seem feasible. Partly because I wasn't able to deal with wedding planning during the winter when she was so ill and also because I just couldn't face the thought of having a wedding without her there and the way things have been going, I just didn't know. So along with all that and the cost of a big wedding and the stress, we decided to elope. I knew my parents were ok with us eloping and it turned out my fiances parents also understand. So this past spring we went ahead and made plans for July 27th for an elopement ceremony (just the two of us), and a honeymoon in the same place. We had planned on having a celebratory party afterwards, in September near my parents house. Well my mom just got out of the hospital again this past weekend and she's really not doing well. Her heart, lungs, liver and kidneys are all failing despite her dialysis treatments. My dad just told me that the doctor told them he gives her 4-5 months to live.
I don't know what we should do. Should we cancel our plans? Maybe postpone till next year? It seems horrible to even think of saying we'll postpone our wedding until "after". But this is supposed to be the happiest time in our lives and I'm not feeling very happy. It seems selfish to even think of our wedding and honeymoon right now. But it also seems selfish to put it off till later when all this isn't going on. Should we go on with the elopement and just forget about the reception afterwards? But I'm also afraid that she'll get sick or worse before we have the wedding or while we're on the honeymoon. And then I also wonder if eloping is even the right thing to do now that I know I have so little time left with my mom. What should we do? I would really appreciate it if you could tell me what the right thing to do is. Thanks so much.
(This post was
edited by TWQadmin on Jun 2, 2008, 6:07 PM)
yvonne"instep"
Social Worker, Stepmother, Certified Stepfamily Counsellor
Jun 4, 2008, 11:12 PM
Post #2 of 2
(243 views)
Re: Planning a wedding when my mom is gravely ill
[In reply to]
You are clearly conflicted about this because you want to do the best thing and also be there for your Mom. There is nothing here that suggests that you are less than sensitive to your mom's situation and it's clear that you want to be able to look back on this and feel at least good about the choices you made. This is all completely understandable. You have to accept that at such a sad time as this when you're mother is dying, that feeling good about your upcoming wedding may be very difficult. If you believe that you may have only 4-5 months left with your Mom, now that the prognosis isn't so good, how do you honestly want to spend those next 4-5 months with her? As you've mentioned, you fear going away, should her health worsen quickly and even if it doesn't how likely is it that this time away and the beginning of your new life together will be without stress and worry?
I will just throw out a suggesion and it is of course entirely up to you to decide what options are best for you, but have you considered doing a very small intimate ceremony with just close family, that your mom could attend even if it is in her home or wherever she is at this time? And then think about how you would want to spend this time with her if you weren't in the middle of planning to get married, and consider doing that which would come natural to you under those different circumstances. If spending as much time as possible with her is the choice you would naturally come to, then do just that. As much as she has encouraged you to go away and get married, have your honeymoon and get on with your life, you can only do that if it feels right and if it's how you want to look back on this period of your life after she's gone. If you had a small ceremony that she could be a part of and started your new life with your partner (albeit under stressful circumstances but that unfortunately can't be avoided) then perhaps postponing your honeymoon or get away time until a later time, would not be such a bad thing. And if you feel that leaving this until "after" and even after your initial grieving period, then that's okay too. You do deserve to have the wedding and the honeymoon and to move on with your life, but you also have lots of time ahead for you to do all of these things and you may not have that much time left with your mom. Imagine how and when you can do these things that will allow you to celebrate your new life with your partner.
I sense that you want to be there for your mom. There are no black and white answers here - trust your intuition and do whatever fits for you in the situation. You are in our my thoughts and I trust you will choose the best option for both you and your Mom. Yvonne Kelly, MSW, RSW, Certified Stepfamily Counsellor and Coach, Co-Founder and Director of the Step and Blended Family Institute http://www.stepinstitute.ca
Planning a wedding when my mom is gravely ill
