I am 35 years old and have two kids. I have never been married before. I am in love with my boyfriend (who is not the father of my children) of two years and we have set a date for next year. We would like a fairly small outdoor wedding and reception of about 150 people, nothing extravagent.
My mother has been telling me that I need to get married ever since my first child was born, 13 years ago. I didnt marry the father of my children for several reasons, but mostly because it didn't feel right, and I was right. So, now that I am getting married, she seems very put-off about the whole thing, and not because she doesn't like my fiance, she loves him. However, she tells me that since I have two children that I should plan the wedding like it is my second, because it is inappropriate to have a "real" wedding. She also insists that I have it in her church with just family.
Is there any such etiquette, or do I need to let go of my dreams of walking down the isle in a white (or off-white) dress to the love of my life (especially if I need my mother's financial help for the wedding)?
Please help.
(This post was
edited by TWQadmin on Jun 4, 2009, 12:10 PM)
Etiquette Now
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Post #2 of 4
(210 views)
Re: Previous children and 1st wedding
[In reply to]
Dear Stealin,
Well, there is no etiquette rule that states that if you have children while unmarried you are considered less than a first time bride when you decide to marry. But, there is an expectation of someone who has begun her life outside her parent's home. You have two children, which implies that you are on your own and have been for some time. This is somewhat similar to someone who has been married. After all, it appears that you have two children by someone you were with for a while, or at least long enough to have two children. Marriage could have been viewed as just a formality.
This doesn't mean that you can't have the dream wedding with the white dress (symbolizes joy), it just means that you and your fiance shouldn't count on anyone hosting your wedding besides you two.
Even if you had been married before, you could have the wedding you want. Encore weddings aren't that much different than first weddings these days.
Re: Previous children and 1st wedding
[In reply to]
If at 35 years of age, and after having two children, you still need your mother's financial help, then maybe you should be thinking about scaling this wedding down to a more manageable cost. After all, you have children to support. Sorry if this sounds harsh but sometimes reality is harsh.
If you're relying on mom to foot the bill, then don't be surprised if she wants to have a say in the way her money is spent. You don't have to accept her generous offer to host your wedding. You can choose to do that on your own. Most couples are footing the bill for their own weddings these days, as Rebecca pointed out in her answer.
There are ways of getting a beautiful gown and hosting a nice, intimate reception on a tight budget. Try these wedding coupons and the wedding budget calculator to help you plan a nice, yet budget friendly wedding.
Remember, this is just one day...celebrate it, but celebrate it within your means. Top Wedding Questions Forum Moderator - "Write your sorrows in the sand, your blessings in stone".
yvonne"instep"
Social Worker, Stepmother, Certified Stepfamily Counsellor
Post #4 of 4
(201 views)
Re: Previous children and 1st wedding
[In reply to]
I think Rebecca has answered this completely but I will just add, that it seems like your mother is concerned about what this looks like to the outside world and would rather keep it small and discreet for that reason. But that would be her choice and is has nothing to do with what you are wanting. I think that you've obviously done a good job all these years of avoiding doing what she expected of you in marrying the father of the children so I think you have what it takes to continue to make your own choices. If the money and who pays for this event/celebration is a determining factor, then I would consider downsizing it to whatever you can reasonably afford and still make it the dream wedding that you want, without putting yourself in the position of having to comply with your mother's wishes because she's paying for it. You may have to get a bit more creative but I think you're making a statement here about what's important to you and having a wedding that satisfies much of what you both want from the day, then it is worth the effort.
Her feelings and wishes about this are hers and you are not responsible to live according to those. But also try not to blame her for her opinions and feelings either. Try to work it out in a way that maintains an element of respect for each other so beyond the wedding, you can continue to share a relationship with your mom, even if it isn't perfect.
Best of luck. Yvonne Kelly, MSW, RSW, Certified Stepfamily Counsellor and Coach, Co-Founder and Director of the Step and Blended Family Institute http://www.stepinstitute.ca
(This post was
edited by yvonne"instep" on Jun 4, 2009, 5:08 PM)
Previous children and 1st wedding
) dress to the love of my life (especially if I need my mother's financial help for the wedding)? 
