Someone please help me. I have started crying over making this guest list. My wedding is in June, and we really wanted a small intimate wedding, so our venue holds 50 people. We honestly didn't want more than 35! Unfortunately my mother has quite a large family and she really wants everyone there. My father is inviting everyone on his side without asking me first, however I have decided he can un-invite them for all I care since I feel it was rude for him to do, especially since he knows my space restriction.
My mother however is getting really upset with me picking and choosing relatives. I also hate confrontation and gossip, and I do not want to tell people they can't come, but I really don't want a large wedding. It's gotten to the point that I want to run off and elope but we are so tight on money and already put down half the cost of the venue!
I'm sure it sounds like a case of "I need to man up", but I really want as little fighting on, and about my big day as possible. I really need suggestions on how to politely explain why some people are coming to the ceremony and others just the reception, and I really need suggestions on how to appease my mother. I have even asked her to come up with 30 relatives she would invite if she had to pick only 30. That was two weeks ago, still no word.
Please, please help! The stress is killing me!
(This post was
edited by TWQadmin on Jan 2, 2009, 2:21 PM)
Etiquette Now
WEDDING ETIQUETTE EXPERT
Post #2 of 4
(428 views)
Re: The guest list is making me insane
[In reply to]
Dear LillyFrost,
I'm so sorry your parents are behaving so childishly. This really isn't something they should be involved in. However, so many parents still feel that their child's wedding is their social event and a time for all family to mingle. And, in a perfect world most of us would love to invite all family, as a wedding is something to celebrate with them. But, in the real world, with our half-full wallets, we can only invite those who are very close to us, because most often this is all we can afford to host. Plus, the wedding is no longer the parents' property--planning and hosting.
Yes, you are right that it is time to "man-up", but it is easier said than done. Even I have a problem with confrontations. I love the fact that you put it back on your mother's table by giving her a number. Perhaps she will see how difficult the task is this way. But, other than that, it may be best for you and your fiance to meet privately with your parents and explain once again what your plans are.
Include in your conversation the fact that you two are planning this within your budget and are restricting the guest list to only those you wish to attend. If they have a problem with the list, you could (hopefully this won't be too difficult) inform them that you don't want to explain your decisions, as it is too stressful. Perhaps remind them that this is a decision that is to be made between you and your fiance. After all, this is just the first of many decisions you two will make during your marriage. Hopefully you could remind your parents that they raised you to make decisions on your own and that by allowing you to continue is honoring them.
Additionally, it is very common to invite a small number of guests to the wedding and a larger amount to the reception. You could direct your parents to any etiquette book for them to confer.
Re: The guest list is making me insane
[In reply to]
I wanted to follow up and let you know what the results of my horrible guest list adventure.
My mother never followed through and made her list, so after five hours, a few crying sessions, and almost loosing my lunch, the list is final. I made it on my own, and I'm not changing it for anything. I feel i have given her the chance to participate and since she didn't she no longer can submit complaints. I did explain to my father that he need to let his mother know that she will not be attending the ceremony but will be more than welcome at the reception, he was fine with it.
So all in all I'm proud of myself and now i just need to stick to my guns and stand my ground. besides "it's my wedding!" Thank you so much for validating me, it helped my confidence. I realize that some people will have hurt feelings, but they will get over it. I need to do what is right for me.
Etiquette Now
WEDDING ETIQUETTE EXPERT
Post #4 of 4
(375 views)
Re: The wedding guest list is making me insane
[In reply to]
Good for you! Some people just like to play victim. It is their way to control others. It is very unfortunate because it makes all of us around them feel like we are always doing something wrong. It is difficult to get out from under that control, but it sure feels good when it happens. Hopefully your mother will see that you planned well and everyone can see that they are still important in your life.
The wedding guest list is making me insane
