I'm new here. I would like to know if there are any etiquette rules regarding the selection of a wedding date.
On Thanksgiving of last year, I reminded my siblings that our parents' 50th anniversary was 11 months away, and asked if they would help me in giving them a "wedding-caliber" celebration. I felt that they deserve it, and there might not be a 51st. They all agreed. I had called my brother before hand to let him know my plans, as he is the only other person besides myself with the means to finance this party. On Christmas, his daughter announced her engagement, and soon after announced the wedding date, which is four weeks before my parents' anniversary. I spoke to my sister-in-law (who I'll call "Grace") a while later, asking what they could commit to financially for the party. I told her I understood that they had a wedding to finance, so I would be willing to pay for the dinner if they could pay for the invitations, cake, flowers and entertainment. I sensed a lot of resistance, so I told her I would crunch the numbers to see if I could afford a package plan, which would include everything but the entertainment (at $50 an hour). Still I received resistance. She said I would have to talk to my brother about it, but he couldn't speak at the moment as he was on the treadmill (most likely an expensive one). She said she would have him call me back, and I haven't heard from him since.
My mother has since taken over the planning for me, as the anxiety it's been causing me made her want to cancel the whole thing. That's my mum, always putting others first. She has graciously included Grace in the planning, so she would feel like she's contributing. The whole time Grace has been telling mum all these etiquette rules she's been breaking.
I realize there is nothing I can do about the timing of the wedding and the lack of financial support. What I'm looking for is an etiquette rule regarding the planning of a wedding when there is already a major (and far more important, in my opinion) family event planned. I'm hoping to find something from an authority on etiquette, as Grace professes to be, only to get her to stop criticizing my mother.
So you want fuel for your fire, huh? That could cause a few problems.
Well, I can tell you that no one is obligated to help cohost the anniversary party. Your parents are the only ones who are responsible for this. And, since I'm beginning here, I'll continue with a few etiquette rules for the anniversary party. It shouldn't appear to be a wedding or wedding reception. But, it can be quite a bit like a reception, though, and can even include a vow renewal, which is not a wedding. The party can include a cake (non-wedding, unless recreating theirs), a meal, and entertainment.
The 50th is often thought of as a gift giving event, but it isn't expected and these gifts are not the same as wedding gifts. There is no registering either.
Now on to their wedding. There is no magic amount of days family events should have between them. However, we should use our common sense. A month is an acceptable amount of time, but a few more weeks in between would have been better. But, they are not breaking any serious etiquette rules by hosting their event so soon before the anniversary party.
Perhaps it would be best for your mother to purchase or to borrow a current etiquette book (a few is even better) so she will know for sure if she is about to commit an etiquette faux pas.
Not so much fuel for the fire - something to extinguish it.
If etiquette suggests an elderly, retired couple take on the entire burden of hosting their own 50th anniversary party, and that the children they did a pretty good job of raising are under no obligation to honor them for this amazing milestone that so few reach, then frankly I'm not too concerned about etiquette. Apparently there is a huge difference between etiquette and common courtesy.
While my mother might not know which fork goes where or what to do with the napkin, she knows how to be a decent person, and how to make everyone around her as comfortable as possible. I hope she decides to tuck the napkin under her chin at dinner! Anyone who might be offended needs therapy.
I did read one etiquette rule that might apply - the 3 c's. Consideration, compromise and communication. Your advice included none of these.
If you want to host a party for your parents, kudos to them, and to you. However, no one is obligated to help, even if your brother first said he would, and now feels he can't. Though, I do think he should just say so and shouldn't leave you in the dark. But, the world would be a perfect place if everyone did everything exactly as we expect - and the world just isn't that perfect. Who knows why he isn't stepping up. Maybe he's embarrassed to tell you he cannot afford to pony up. Lot's of people are in that spot right about now. I would try to speak to him in a non-confrontational way, as a loving sister. He may come clean with you and you may be closer.
But, something that didn't sit well with me was your statement about which party/celebration is more important. That sentiment may be coming out to your brother and his wife and may be the reason they refuse to talk. After all, this is his child and I'm pretty sure his child's wedding is pretty darn important to him. Try not to make him choose one relative over another.
Lastly, I don't think anyone is trying to say that your mother is not mannerly. But, you did ask for etiquette advice and it was provided to you. No one is responsible for hosting an anniversary party except the couple. That can be found in any etiquette book. The 3 C's you mention are the cornerstone of etiquette and why it is in place so we don;t feel we need to mention it. After all, how would you feel if your parents expected you to host this party? It's much nicer and gives more of the warm and fuzzy feeling if the party is offered and given in the spirit you mentioned.
I think your parents are very lucky to have so many children who obviously care for them and to have the opportunity to celebrate 50 years. So, if you want to honor them, ask around the family again and then, based on the response, plan a party you can afford. The cost should be secondary - the celebration and sentiment first.
Remember, just like lavish weddings, no one is entitled to have any lavish party. If they can afford to host one, great. If someone else offers to host one, great. If not, celebrate in the best way possible. If it were me, I'd be happy to just have all of my kids over for dinner and a good bottle of wine. Spending time as a family is the best way to celebrate. Top Wedding Questions Forum Moderator - "Write your sorrows in the sand, your blessings in stone".
I couldn't agree more. Nowhere is it said that anyone, no matter how hard they worked or what great feat they've achieved, deserves a grand event hosted in their honor. It's a nice thought, but it isn't obligatory.
Everyone is living his and her own personal lives that just might include some unspoken struggle. Your comment about the treadmill shed a bit of light on what you think your brother can afford. That doesn't mean that he can, especially with his own daughter's wedding. It may be best to reflect upon the three "Cs" you mentioned ("the three Cs of etiquette" really are: consideration, compassion, and courtesy, though).
Your comment, "The whole time Grace has been telling mum all these etiquette rules she's been breaking" prompted my comment about the book. Perhaps if all of you knew the real deal etiquette rules, everyone would be working together and not against each other. That's why someone thought to put them in a book in the first place. Rebecca Black, Etiquette Now
(This post was
edited by TWQadmin on Jul 6, 2009, 9:11 AM)
Timing of wedding date
