Sorry, I should have added this to my previous post...my fiance and I announced to my family this past Easter weekend about our engagement. I was very scared to do this because although my family (including my immediate family) seem accepting of my fiance and have known him for almost 5 years, this past january my mother passed away, and my father and grandmother (who I live with) are understandably still deeply affected by this loss. I was concerned that they would not be able to be happy for us, and I mentioned this to my fiance prior to our announcement. Unfortunately I was right, for although my aunt, uncle, and cousins that were at our house expressed happiness and congratulated us on our engagement, my father and grandmother said nothing and didn't smile. A few other family members came over later that day, and neither my father or my grandmother told them of my engagement, and as far as I know, no one else in my family has been told, which shows me that they are not pleased with the news. The subject of my engagement has not been brought up once by them since that day. Although I can understand why they can't be totally happy for me, I am angry that they seem to be refusing to acknowledge it...despite the recent loss of my mother, this year is supposed to be a happy one because I am graduating from university and have a great job waiting for me, but because they're not happy, I'm having a hard time being happy about the engagement, too, and wonder if it was all a big mistake, if I should have told my boyfriend that we should wait another year before getting engaged to allow the wounds to heal. What can I do? This is not how I had pictured our engagement announcement to be, and it's really upsetting me.
And yet, it seems that you had a strong sense that this might happen.
My concern is that you've jumped to a conclusion here about the connection with their grief and their inability to acknowledge or be happy for your engagement. These two things are not necessarily mutually exclusive -- meaning, people can be grieving AND still celebrate the continuance of life. My grandfather died 3 weeks after his first grandson was born. When the family gathered together to see the new baby AND be together for the funeral, there was deep sadness and loss mixed with overwhelming delight and joy. Bittersweet doesn't come close to describing the experience.
As for you and your father and grandmother -- could you all benefit from a heartfelt sharing and crying time? What would it be like to sit down with both of them and share in your loss of your mother, and your grief in not having her there to help you plan your wedding, and then, ask for their help and guidance. Invite them to be involved, ask them what they think, let them know that their being alive and present for you means more to you than ever, and that their lack of acknowledgement of your engagement is making the hole in your heart even bigger.
Is it possible to explore with them what might be causing them to believe that not saying anything and not acknowledging your engagement is the best strategy for them right now? What's their thinking? What are their feelings? And, what do they think your mother would want for you? ...
In other words, I invite you to engage with them, to explore with them, to listen to them, to cry with them, and to love them.
Blessings to you all. Emily Bouchard, MSSW, Life Coach, Speaker, and Trainer
Unenthusiastic family
