I am recently engaged and already experiencing nightmares over my wedding day. My parents divorced after almost 30 years of marriage due to my father's affair. In addition, my father has been a divorce lawyer my entire life! He makes a living off of the destruction of marriage. I have major problems with his profession from an ideological standpoint. All my life my father and I did not get along until I met my fiancee. I tried very hard to get along with my father for his (my fiancee's) sake although we both have major problems getting along with him. My father has a girlfriend who my fiancee and I do not like. In addition, my mother and father do not get along well and I fear disaster at both the ceremony and the celebration. My fiancee and I have discussed eloping or having a wedding and not inviting my father or his family but I fear that both of these options will result in harassment from both sides of my family for years to come. How can I make this day wonderful for all parties involved and still maintain my sanity? While my father IS an embarrassment to me I still do want him in my life and I am not sure how to go about telling him if I decide not to invite him or his family. If I do invite him, how will I coordinate the pictures, who will stand with me at the ceremony, the seating, toasts, dances, etc? There is so much to worry about, it just seems that eloping is the easiest solution however I know that many people will feel hurt and left out. Please advise....
Jill
Psychotherapist: Second Weddings & Stepfamilies
First of all, take a deep breath and stop worrying. I can understand how a shaddow from the past is casting a pall over your plans - so take one step at a time. Have a talk with your mother, and tell her of your worries. I am sure she will reassure you that your patents can be your parents on your wedding day.
Will you have your father 'give you away' - the question of the photos needs to be worked out well in advance. Decide what you want - talk to the photographer in advance. Perhaps have one with your father and his girlfriend - but others without her. It depends a little on how important she is in your father's life.
If you decide not to invite your father you are right when you say that the distress of this will go on for years.
Decide what you and your fiance want, and get the plans out into the open before your wedding day. Jill Curtis Psychotherapist, Author How to Get Married ... Again (A Guide to Second Weddings) London, UK http://www.familyonwards.com
I can understand your apprehension; this can be a stressful time. However, you can keep your parents separated somewhat and can minimize your father's perceived negative impact on your day.
First, you do not have to have anyone 'give you away' if you choose. The wedding landscape is changing these days to reflect the way we live today and today's women (in the mainstream US population) do not need to be 'given' to anyone. But, this is your choice and may be something you really want in your ceremony.
--Actually many brides are opting for 'who supports this woman' to be used instead or 'who gives this woman' and many times both parents or all of the guest will answer, "we do." This would not be your best choice though.
If you want him to walk you down the aisle, he may and will then offer your hand to your groom. He will then sit in the third row, which will be two rows away from your mother. She will sit in the front row.
Additionally, your photographer surely has stumbled upon this situation often and most probably can offer you some great ideas to give you wonderful pictures and still keep your parents at a distance. Beyond his/her suggestions, you really don't have to include your father's girl friend in any of your pictures. Plus, for the picture that includes the entire bridal party plus parents, your parents could be at opposite ends of the shot.
As for the reception, you could sit them at special tables of their own with some of their family members from out of town, so they will feel comfortable and be able to catch up on 'family news'--well besides talking about you. The toasting could be a problem, but he would typically only be toasting you once. The same goes for the dance. There would only be the one dance. Perhaps you could choose a very short song. :)
I agree that talking to your mother about your fears is a very good idea and is where you should probably start.
Wedding Nightmare
