Who pays for the wedding now that father of the bride lost his job?
Our son and his fiance are planning a wedding in one year and plan to place the deposits on the ceremony/reception sites this week.
Who is ultimately responsible to pay for this wedding? We are all of similar middle class incomes. The father of the bride offered to pay for the reception. We told our son we will pay for the rehearsal dinner. Our son plans to pick up the rest-everything else.
The father of the bride lost his job. He still promises to pay for the reception. My son is concerned that he will not be able to afford to pay if he cannot secure a job over the next year (realistic possibility in this market) and my son will not be able to handle everything as presently planned himself. He estimates the cost to be $20-25,000 for 150 guests, including honeymoon. My husband is very traditional and feels it is the father of the bride’s responsibility to pay for his daughter’s wedding and plan accordingly. Approximately 90 of the guests are his family and friends, 30 are ours and 30 my son and fiance friends. We told our son previously we will be giving them a substantial gift of money for a wedding gift, at the time of the wedding, to be used however they wish. Now in light of this new circumstance, he is asking me how much we plan to give them so he can know how to budget as he and his fiance now own a house and have many household expenses. My husband is furious and feels this questioning of gift money is inappropriate even under the circumstances. He believes the planning should be left up to the bride and her family as they see fit and that my son should not involve himself so much or second guess his future father in law, and certainly not expect us to pick up the slack. My son doesn't expect any certain amount, anything is appreciated, is not asking for it now but wants to know the amount now. We do not even know now how much we are giving them so far in advance as this depends on our financial circumstances at the time also, and have told him this. This is taking away from the spirit of giving in my husband's eyes. How do I keep the peace?
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edited by TWQadmin on Oct 13, 2009, 10:06 AM)
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Post #2 of 4
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Re: Who pays for the wedding now that father of the bride lost his job?
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The couple is ultimately responsible for paying for their own wedding. They should be flexible now that her father has lost his job. I'm sure the FOB still wants to pay because I'm sure he wants to make his daughter happy, as most parents do. However, in my opinion, the couple should reconsider the wedding budget and plan accordingly. They should not rely on any parent to help them, especially the bride's father. The two of them should probably be having a discussion with the father about how they plan to downsize the wedding and their expectations.
Your son shouldn't be asking "How much will you be giving", as though it is your responsibility. If you have money and want to help the couple, great. Decide how much is financially feasible and gift it to them. If not, let them know that you have your own financial concerns. Do let them know right away so they can plan accordingly. The couple should know their budget before they begin reserving their wedding services since most times the deposits are non-refundable.
Keep the lines of communication open and have some nice, relaxed conversations. Top Wedding Questions Forum Moderator - "Write your sorrows in the sand, your blessings in stone".
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Post #3 of 4
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Re: Who pays for the wedding now that father of the bride lost his job?
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I completely agree--very good advice.
There seems to be a lot of old traditional thinking here, and yet the couple is living a non-old-traditional life. We really shouldn't try to have it both ways. They are already living as a married couple and should be treated as adults. Your reference to "his daughter’s wedding" and restating your husband's thoughts on the wedding being planned by the bride's family is very old tradition and not as we live any more. And besides that, it is not logical or fair. It definitely is not proper etiquette.
The couple plans and hosts "their wedding". It is not hers. It is not the bride's family's wedding. Your son should be involved. And, they should be paying. They shouldn't allow her father to incur costs he really can't afford. Of course, this also means that the guests are the couple's guests, not the parents' guests.
Miss Manners wrote an article last year about all of us trying to live within our means. It focused on all of us taking responsibilities for our own expenses and not asking or expecting others, including our parents, to pay for what we want. It is an excellent article and point of view. Perhaps you could find a copy and ask all family members to read it. Rebecca Black, Etiquette Now
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Post #4 of 4
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Re: Who pays for the wedding now that father of the bride lost his job?
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Ahhh - this is what I've been ranting about for a while now. I hope the word spreads! Top Wedding Questions Forum Moderator - "Write your sorrows in the sand, your blessings in stone".
Who pays for the wedding now that father of the bride lost his job?
