groom's parents upset about date, location, venue, size
Hi. I don't have anyone whom I can ask advice! Help!
Our daughter and her fiance have dated for 5+ years, have planned to marry for 4+ years, and have been engaged for 6 months. We all live in the same state (his family, us, the couple), and it would appear to me that everyone has had ample opportunity to meet, spend time together, get to know one another. That they intended to eventually marry was no surprise to us; her father and I discussed it with them (and with him individually) several times over the years they have dated.
Our FSIL (future son-in-law) let his parents know ahead of time that he was ordering the engagement ring and that he was planning to ask our daughter to marry him. They didn't offer any objections at the time he ordered the ring or at the time the couple announced their engagement.
Immediately after the engagement was announced his parents went on an extended trip. With the anticipated wedding date set for 10 months out, plans were begun. I made sure that the couple checked in with his parents before any final plans or deposits were made.
Upon their return from their trip his parents requested that the couple change the location of the wedding from Las Vegas (a destination wedding) to his parents' home town, from a garden setting to their church, that we invite a minimum of 150 from their side, and that they postpone the wedding by 3 months! We have a very small family and planned to keep the wedding small. When we realized this might be an issue with his parents we offered that they could invite 75 (still much larger than we'd intended the whole guest list to be).
So, the issue/question/problem is this: His parents have become so angry they refuse to "let" the couple invite any of his family, any of the family friends and his parents are refusing to come to the wedding, too.
Whatever shall I do!? Whatever shall the couple do?!
I am concerned that the couple, our dear daughter and her husband to be, will be forever saddened by this. I am concerned that our dear FSIL will never be able to reconcile the fact that his parents did not come to his wedding. I have offered to call his parents, or his mother.
I do not want to step on any toes, including FSIL's. The wedding they have planned has been completely their doing, as well it should be - they have chosen the date, location, size, style, etc. While we are paying for 90% of the wedding and reception, we have asked for nothing other than input on size and keeping the costs reasonable.
If the wedding is going to be presided over by a member of the clergy, could you ask the couple to schedule a counselling session with the clergy person?
If not, perhaps a little family counseling by a social worker or psychologist? Top Wedding Questions Forum Moderator - "Write your sorrows in the sand, your blessings in stone".
Do you think the situation serious enough to warrant counseling? Am I remiss in watching them press on with what they presume are their plans to make?
They are responsible adults, both have jobs, he is working on a graduate degree. Her father and I have been participating in the wedding planning and preparation with that fact foremost in our minds.
This is unfortunate as they consider this wedding to be for them and not for the children. Today's weddings are not the social event for parents it once was when it was paid for by them. It is extremely generous of you to pay for their wedding and gracious of you to allow them to plan it.
Today the parents don't invite either. The couple may give both sides a part of the guest list, but it isn't obligatory.
Perhaps the groom can ask his parents to read any of the up to date etiquette books or this site, which is dedicated to proper etiquette. Other than that, counselling just may help.
The bottom line though is that none of you are doing anything wrong. The couple does all of the planning and inviting. They did nothing wrong and shouldn't be treated like this.
Asking for guidance doesn't have to mean the situation is serious. The clergy person often will help the couple and guide them through the planning process with relationship advice. Top Wedding Questions Forum Moderator - "Write your sorrows in the sand, your blessings in stone".
groom's parents upset about date, location, venue, size
