I have been with my boyfriend for over two years and though the relationship has moved quickly we are very much in love. I helped him through his divorce and custody issues with his ex. I've helped him when he's had his children off and on for the past year plus (the ex is military and overseas as are the children) He is trying to get custody of them and in order to prove a stable home environment we would have to be married. We both agree we would of been married already if not for the kids; but I feel like I'm marrying them along with their father. I am 25, he's 35 and it would be my first wedding. I've done so much I feel I am ready to settle down and love this man with all of me. My problem is that I feel we would be marrying so "she" doesn't win, and so he can have his kids; not because I'm ready. Part of me knows I'd do anything to keep him, but I do feel like I'm being selfish about the matter. He's not brought the topic up because he doesn't believe that I will say "yes". Any help out there????
Etiquette Now
WEDDING ETIQUETTE EXPERT
Nov 14, 2005, 12:39 PM
Post #2 of 3
(988 views)
Re: [irsvixen] marrying for the right reasons
[In reply to]
Dear Marrying,
The real question is, "What do you really want to do?" Take into consideration that you will have children either full or part time. This is a strain on the relationship.
A judge will decide who 'gets' the children. Whether or not you two marry will not determine this. This will make your fiance look better, but it won't automatically make him the best parent. Hopefully the judge chooses the parent whom he/she feels will raise the children best. So, you can leave that guilt trip out of the equation.
yvonne"instep"
Social Worker, Stepmother, Certified Stepfamily Counsellor
Nov 15, 2005, 12:11 PM
Post #3 of 3
(977 views)
Re: [irsvixen] marrying for the right reasons
[In reply to]
There's a lot to consider here and you're wise not to rush in. Also, just because you are considering where you fit into all of this, doesn't mean you're selfish, but practical. And it's very important to be asking those questions as well as making your needs and concerns a priority along with everyone else's. When you enter into a stepfamily, and particularely when it is your first time being married, you need to have very realistic expectations and talk very openly with your partner about what you are both expecting, needing and hoping for from the partnership. If you do not do this, other needs and considerations, have a way of taking over your life and pretty soon, stepparents start feeling taking advantage of and resentful.
If and when you are truly ready to marry this man, then you would both be wise to seek out pre-remarriage counselling. Although you haven't been married before, you are entering into a ready made family and need to do a lot of planning and preparation beforehand (along with your partner) in order to make the transition as smooth as possible. Although rarely easy, being part of a stepfamily can be rewarding and enjoyable if you do your homework and know what you're entering into beforehand. Don't ever be afraid to assert your needs though, and don't expect that your spouse will just automatically understand or know what your needs are. If you marry and take on the responsibilty of his children without clearly defining what you need in the relationship, your needs may not get met and it will most certainly become an issue not far down the road. This has been my own personal experience as well as the experience of so many stepparents I have worked with, especially stepmothers.
Good luck. Don't rush yourself, but start dialoguing with your partner about all of the issues that both of you have in relation to this situation. You want to feel optimistic and prepared and most of all, "ready" when you take the plunge. Yvonne Kelly, MSW, RSW, Certified Stepfamily Counsellor and Coach, Co-Founder and Director of the Step and Blended Family Institute http://www.stepinstitute.ca
(This post was
edited by yvonne"instep" on Nov 15, 2005, 12:13 PM)
marrying for the right reasons
