Bride and Groom want a say in planning rehearsal dinner
Well, here's a new one. The groom's mother is running the rehearsal dinner and refuses to take the suggestions of the marrying couple. The city in which the rehearsal dinner and wedding will occur is two and a half hours drive away, and the couple lives and works in this same city. The mother of the groom does not live there, yet refuses to listen to their wishes for how to accomodate their friends and members of the wedding party. MOG has even gone so far to say that parents of teenage children in the wedding party will not be invited since they are old enough to "fend for themselves." In her interest for keeping the guest list short, she has excluded several important members of the bride's and groom's circle, and offended the sensibilities of others. When approached about the topic, she is unwilling to bend and says as long as she's running the whole thing, she'll do as she wants.
Questions: Is there any hope for an evening that is destined to be a train wreck? What should we say when our friends and relatives from out of town find out that they are excluded from this event? Is there any tactful way to offer an alternative night-before-the-wedding-dinner to invite the others without causing nuclear fallout with the MOG? We don't wish to embarrass her, but we know that it will seem like an affront to those who have come a long way to be excluded when their other friends and family members have been invited. How can we tactfully include everyone in some way?
(This post was
edited by TWQadmin on Sep 30, 2007, 10:27 AM)
TWQadmin
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Jun 25, 2007, 8:36 PM
Post #2 of 11
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Re: [BonnieScot] Rehearsal Dinner Drama
[In reply to]
Only those people actually involved in the rehearsal need to be invited. So, as long as your groom's mother is not eliminating anyone who is a part of the wedding party and needs to be at the rehearsal then she shouldn't be offending anyone. She is the host and she gets to decide the details of the event.
However, if you and your groom want to host a different kind of event then you're free to take the reins and pay for it yourself. You can only have this sort of control if you're hosting.
My dad used to say, "Pick your battles", and I think that really applies here. Focus on the more important details of your wedding like the ceremony, the vows and those things that will be the lasting memories you'll have of the day. Top Wedding Questions Forum Moderator - "Write your sorrows in the sand, your blessings in stone".
Etiquette Now
WEDDING ETIQUETTE EXPERT
Jun 26, 2007, 10:25 AM
Post #3 of 11
(1337 views)
Re: [BonnieScot] Rehearsal Dinner Drama
[In reply to]
I completely agree. And, there is a reason this event is called the 'rehearsal dinner'. It is the dinner after the rehearsal and only those involved in the rehearsal need to be invited.
And, of course as the Wedding Queen has suggested, you two could host this instead of the mother of the groom. The couple is wholly financially responsible these days. Rebecca Black, Etiquette Now
BonnieScot
Jun 26, 2007, 10:26 AM
Post #4 of 11
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Re: [TWQadmin] Rehearsal Dinner Drama
[In reply to]
So if we were to host a later gathering at a different location to include those parents of the wedding party children, Step- Grandparents and Grandparents, groom's step siblings and Stepmother (who was to be excluded from attending the rehearsal with her husband) this wouldn't be a breach of etiquette? We want everybody to feel like a part of things, yet we don't want to be exhausted the next day at the wedding. For this gathering what do you suggest? Should it be another later dinner or a small cocktail and hors d'oevre reception? Must we include the MOG and her guests from the rehearsal dinner?
TWQadmin
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Jun 26, 2007, 10:44 AM
Post #5 of 11
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Re: [BonnieScot] Rehearsal Dinner Drama
[In reply to]
I would either allow your groom's mom to host the event, inviting all appropriately, or host it yourself. Hosting another dinner after would be insulting to your mother-in-law to be and is unecessary. Top Wedding Questions Forum Moderator - "Write your sorrows in the sand, your blessings in stone".
BonnieScot
Jun 26, 2007, 7:38 PM
Post #6 of 11
(1323 views)
Re: [TWQadmin] Rehearsal Dinner Drama
[In reply to]
Unfortunately she will not allow us to host the rehearsal dinner. It's a control issue with her, and I believe her way of embarrassing her ex-husband, or maybe his family. I am still trying to figure it out. That is what has caused all of the angst. Maybe I am worrying too much, and the stress is getting to me. What about a dessert and nightcap affair after MOG's rehearsal dinner in another location? I just don't want these eight other people who are closely related to those in the wedding feeling cut off from us before the big day. They will have travelled a long way.
TWQadmin
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Jun 26, 2007, 7:46 PM
Post #7 of 11
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Re: [BonnieScot] Rehearsal Dinner Drama
[In reply to]
I don't see how your mother-in-law gets to decide if she will host or not. But, that is water under the bridge now because, you have accepted her offer to host and, again, unless she is not including someone who really needs to be there then you should allow her to host the event as she sees fit.
I honestly don't see why you would have to host anything more that night. Your out of town guests should know that only those involved in the rehearsal are invited to the dinner. If they don't, someone close to them should tell them. Typically, out of town guests are left on their own (you can leave them a map of the area and list of good restaurants and attractions) and understand that the bridal couple needs their rest. You will be entertaining them all the next day, and presumably for any remaining days they stay in town. Top Wedding Questions Forum Moderator - "Write your sorrows in the sand, your blessings in stone".
BonnieScot
Jun 27, 2007, 12:01 AM
Post #8 of 11
(1313 views)
Re: [TWQadmin] Rehearsal Dinner Drama
[In reply to]
Thanks so much for your help! I suppose I am overly sensitive to the needs and wishes of these other people since they will be my future family, too. Probably, everything will be OK. I just live in fear of MOG creating a scene, and there being hard feelings. Maybe I should just leave her to put out her own fires. Thanks again for your perspective. It really helps to have a neutral party weighing in on all of this.
TWQadmin
FORUM EXPERT
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Jun 27, 2007, 6:46 AM
Post #9 of 11
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Re: [BonnieScot] Rehearsal Dinner Drama
[In reply to]
Where is your groom on all of this? You haven't mentioned him and he would be the person to deal with his mother. Why should you be the bad guy?
And, if MOG creates a scene why does this have to reflect on you? Top Wedding Questions Forum Moderator - "Write your sorrows in the sand, your blessings in stone".
Etiquette Now
WEDDING ETIQUETTE EXPERT
Jun 27, 2007, 11:24 AM
Post #10 of 11
(1299 views)
Re: [BonnieScot] Rehearsal Dinner Drama
[In reply to]
I completely agree. It is his mother, so he should be able to take some of this heat. Rebecca Black, Etiquette Now
BonnieScot
Jun 27, 2007, 11:24 AM
Post #11 of 11
(1299 views)
Re: [TWQadmin] Rehearsal Dinner Drama
[In reply to]
Well........it's a somewhat sore subject. My fiance won't stand up to his mom, and figures this is just her thing. He's resigned himself to the fact that she'll never change (not even for our wedding). The more time I spend with her, I am inclined to agree. Her husband is also remaining mum on the topic, and figures just letting her go ahead with her plans is a way of avoiding a major "flame-out." My fear is that a scene will occur anyway, but that it will be at the dinner or the wedding, and people's feelings will get hurt, or they'll be badly embarrassed. I know it will just reflect badly on her, but I'm sure my fiance will be hurt as well, and that affects me.
Bride and Groom want a say in planning rehearsal dinner
