My boyfriend asked me to marry him last week and I was thrilled. It was completely unexpected. The only thing I am less than thrilled about is the ring. I feel that I am being awful and greedy, but I wanted a few other opinions. The ring he bought is pretty, but the diamonds are very small. The ring probably cost $800 at the most. My fiance is not a poor man. His house is worth 1 million and last year he bought a boat worth 250k and paid cash. He is not in debt. He is a wonderful man, but does have a bit of a cheap side. I felt really awful about it, but I told him that if I can't have at least a 1 carat diamond, then I would just rather have a plain band without diamonds. I have seen some beautiful 1 carat rings for only 3k. I don't think that is unreasonable considering his net worth. Honestly, I will be happy with just a plain band. Am I being an ungrateful bride-to-be? I will have to wear this ring for the rest of my life ...I want to like it and be proud of it.
Well... I completely understand, as I'm sure others can to, about wanting a stone that you can be proud of. Actually, he really should have picked out a few rings within his budget and asked you to choose the one you liked. But, that is neither here nor there.
I suppose the real question is, are you marrying the man or the ring? If he is more important than a huge stone (one caret is big), then a small diamond is not that important. Perhaps you two can talk about getting a larger diamond placed in your ring for a future wedding anniversary. This is quite common.
Just because he can afford to buy a bigger stone doesn't mean that he has to. There may be some reason why he felt that he couldn't.
Yes, I would agree that weddings are not about spending money (although it will cost me about $10,000 as I am splitting the costs with my FH - I don't want a big fancy wedding, but he does). I was able to trade my tiny little diamond for a plain band, which made me much happier. You should see the look on people's faces when they see my ring ... they are shocked and just come out and say ... I thought he would buy you a big rock. They now he has a lot of money and is not afraid to spend it on himself. I must admit that I am a little embarrassed when they shocked by my inexpensive ring. I guess I am not surprised by the cheap ring, since he has never bought me flowers or very expensive gifts ... unless it was something for him too. I buy him very nice gifts. I love him very much, so I guess I can live with his stingy nature when it comes to gifts for me. Our relationship has never been about gifts more about the fun things we do together. I was just hoping that he would for once buy me something really nice. I do love my ring ... now I just have to deal with the snarky and questioning comments about the lack of a rock. Yikes ... we are spending twice as much on musicians and a DJ and on my ring.
Am I missing something here? Or am I reading between lines that aren't there? For someone who doesn't claim to care about the money, there's a whole lot of time and attention being placed on it.
I'm just curious -- have you convinced yourself that you're happy with his "stingy" nature, and that you don't mind him not splurging on you? The tone, the focus, and the little comments in your posts have me wondering about just how much you really do care.
The fact that you love him is great. I'm curious about how much you love yourself and believe you deserve to be honored by FH.
That "just once" in your last message was disturbing to me and seems to indicate something under the surface that would be good to address -- sooner rather than later.
In what ways are you settling here? In what ways are you tolerating? And, in what ways do you wish, hope, desire for things to be different? Definitely know that things will not change once you get married, and that he's letting you know exactly where things stand now. You are marrying a man who treats you this way - and I'd be curious how this treatment shows up in other aspects of your relaitonship. Like, in the bedroom, is it the same with your intimacy? More for him, less attention and giving to you? ...
And, how do you treat yourself when you are with him? do you diminish yourself? do you stand on your principles? ...
I think it's terrific that you didn't accept the ring he gave you -- but, if you really wanted a large stone, then why did you end up with the band? If you really just wanted the band, I'm curious what that's about for you? So many women would love any sort of diamond. For you, small diamonds weren't enough, but a plain band is better? I'm just not getting it. You certainly are getting a lot of attention from that band.
Forgive my inquisitiveness -- it's my nature. It's all offered from a place of curiosity and seeking to understand the motivation behind response and reactions. I'm all about getting clear on what you want your outcome to be, and then choosing to relate to your FH from that place.
Oh, one more thing -- have you seen the older movie called the Joy Luck Club? I just watched it and it's a fascinating exploration into the different ways women treat themselves in their relationships -- to their mothers, and to their spouses and partners. Definitely worth seeing. Emily Bouchard, MSSW, Life Coach, Speaker, and Trainer
When I thought about my engagement, I definately had a ring picked out in my mind.... but your fiancee doenst know what it looks like! (and if he does, and chose something else anyways, theres a reason) My fiancee designed my ring, which looked nothing like what I had wanted..... But I absolutely love it, and the main reason is because it really came from his heart.Maybe your man thought you would be thrilled?
ask yourself two questions...
will this ring grow on you?
you obviously have a problem with his "stingy" nature... can you live with this for the rest of your life? we all know you cant change someone. BRIDE
Am I greedy???
