My FH and I mututally agreed to have a dry wedding. My MIL vehemently disagrees. She argued loudly with me in a restaurant that I need to be more open minded. I am not asking her to agree with our decision, but at least respect it. My FH called the hall to ask some questions and found out that my MIL arranged to have free beer served for our guests in the bar of the adjoining restaurant. She asked to have a sign placed outside our room letting the guests know such. What really gets me is that she did this all behind our backs! My fiance told the hall to cancel the beer and to change the sign to say "By request of the bride and groom, alcohol will not be served." The hall knows that any changes need to be approved by us. We aren't telling his mom about the change because we are afraid of retaliation. I told my FH that as far as his mother is concerned, I didn't even know about what she did. (She thinks I control him). Did we handle this appropriately?
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Post #2 of 7
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Re: [Flash] MIL ordered beer for dry wedding
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While I agree that this decision should have been decided upon mutually, I think your decision not to tell your future mother in law about your change is doing exactly what she did to you. This will only cause the issue to spiral out of control.
Let your fiance go and speak to his mother in person. He can calmly let he know that the two of you do not want alchol served at your wedding and perhpas you can offer her the reasons why. It might help her to understand if she knows why. Allow her to tel her son why she feels there should be alcohol served. If she is hosting the event then she should have a part in the planning. All of you need to come to these major decisions as a group. This is not a "my day, my way", unless you are hosting the entire event yourselves. Top Wedding Questions Forum Moderator - "Write your sorrows in the sand, your blessings in stone".
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edited by TWQadmin on May 21, 2005, 9:05 AM)
Flash
Post #3 of 7
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Re: [Flash] MIL ordered beer for dry wedding
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My initial reaction was to have my fiance talk to his mother, but we are afraid she will retaliate and make the weeks leading up to our wedding miserable. She may also find some other way to bring alcohol into the picture. We don't want to give her that opportunity. Our feeling is if that people know we don't want alcohol there, and if they are truly there to support us in our new life together, they will have absolutely no problem respecting our wishes.
My fiance and I and our parents all met and talked about the alcohol issue several months ago. We explained our reasons for not wanting it, and they explained their reasons for wanting it. This issue is very important to us, and none of their reasons were good enough to sway us. Basically his mother is worried about some image she thinks she needs to uphold. Ultimately it is not her decision though. She and his father are not paying for the wedding. I am uncomfortable in a drinking environment, and shouldn't the bride be allowed to be comfortable on her big day? It's not like refusing to serve alcohol will insult any of the guests. It seems that his mother is the only person who thinks it is a problem. My parents are hosting the reception, and their gift does not come with strings attached. They said we can do anything we want for our wedding (though they happen to agree with keeping it dry).
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Post #4 of 7
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Re: [Flash] MIL ordered beer for dry wedding
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Since we now know that your inlaws are not paying for this wedding you should go straight to your banquet manager and insist that he speak only to you (the people paying him) and no changes may be made without contacting you and your fiance first. Make sure he knows that no alcohol is to be served at this event, period. Be certain he understands who's boss here.
I still think your fiance should speak to his mom, reminding her of your discussion and letting her know that there will be no further discussion on the matter. If you are adamant with your banquet manager then I can't see any way your mother in law could make changes or cause issue here. Of course, I don't know her as you do. Keeping your change a secret from her could cause her to become even more inflamed.
Perhaps another family meeting is in order including all parents, bride and groom. I would start with your fiance speaking to his parents in a calm manner, non-threatening and loving. Let his parents know how strongly you BOTH feel about the environment surrounding your wedding. Maybe there are some other concessions you can make, allowing her to feel as though she's a part of the planning without giving up this one very important issue.
Remember...these people will be your family soon. You'll need to get along for holidays and other social ocaassions and, if you are blessed with children, they will be the grandparents. Be willing to make compromises where possible for the good of the future relationships.
Good Luck and let us know how it all turns out. Top Wedding Questions Forum Moderator - "Write your sorrows in the sand, your blessings in stone".
bethysms
Post #5 of 7
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Re: [TWQadmin] MIL ordered beer for dry wedding
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I agree with what they all said. But here's a thought, too. If you decide not to talk to your MIL before the big day about what you two have decided, then you WILL be facing her that day. How is she going to react that day to this decision you have made and what you have done. Wouldn't you rather deal with her and what she might do in the weeks prior to the wedding than on the actual day? Just some thoughts to keep in mind!
Flash
Post #6 of 7
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Re: [bethysms] MIL ordered beer for dry wedding
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This may sound horrible, but I actually kind of hope that she makes a scene. Then everybody can find out what a nightmare she has been to deal with through this whole thing. She will arrive at the reception before me, so she should be done ranting before I get there. If she's not, the hall staff has been instructed to remove her from the premises. As far as she will know, only her son knew about what she tried to do, and my fiance will tell her that he made the change on his own. She can get mad at him and he is willing to take it. Her anger will be her problem.
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Post #7 of 7
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Re: [Flash] MIL ordered beer for dry wedding
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I'm afraid her anger will not be just her problem. Remember that this is your future husband's MOTHER and your future childrens' GRANDMOTHER. Things could get pretty uncomfortable across the Thanksgiving Day dinner table if you're not out in the open with all of this before hand. I guarantee you that his mother will not hold her son responsible because, (I say with tongue in cheeck) before you came along their relationship was just fine.
I really encourage all of you to sit down and discuss this before the big day. Top Wedding Questions Forum Moderator - "Write your sorrows in the sand, your blessings in stone".
MIL ordered beer for dry wedding
