[Mermaid Bride]

I was recently a bridesmaid in a wedding. A year ago, I asked the bride to be one of my bridesmaids at my wedding this October.

Since then though, this woman treated me, our mutual friends and bridesmaids that are in both our weddings deceptively.

She was formally engaged in fall of '09. There was a beautiful engagement and professional engagement photos. Since then she has had all the usual parties involved with getting married, though the guest list has always been larger than I'm used to. She asked for an engagement party for 40 (20 came), a bridal shower for 80 (27 came) and a bacholerette party for 40 (9 showed).

Our social circle doesn't really do engagement parties, but the bride gave one of the bridesmaids an on going guilt trip. So four of the eight bridesmaids rallied their husbands and we threw a great party. We built props and decorations, the whole nine yards.

She insisted that it was "our duty" to provide her with a professional boudoir photo shoot as her bacholerette party. When we let her know we couldn't afford that ($200 a person) and gave her an alternative party, she arrived 3 ½ hours late. She's apologized for that and claimed that she "hardly knew the date of the party", but she picked the date!

She created 4 separate "craft days" so her friends and family could make her wedding supplies for her. Then she was a bit picky about how things were created. One of the "crafts" was dumped on my friend's doorstep a week before the wedding and she was told to "fix it". I over heard the bride complaining about the bridesmaids bouquets we created.

Her sister, another bridesmaid in her wedding, threatened that if we didn't do things exactly how the bride wanted, that the bride would have a breakdown.

There were other things all of the bridal party did to help. There's just too much to list.

The day of her wedding, she was unpleasant to her bridesmaids and bossy/rude to her photographers. She told her bridal party to provide her with a bridal luncheon and to bring food and champagne. (she didn't see anything wrong with this, she brought a few sandwiches (not enough for everyone) and one bottle of inexpensive champagne but told us to provide the rest)
I could forgive all this though. After all it was her wedding right?... Nope

The wedding ceremony was held in the reception hall. After the ceremony we were all ushered back into the hall to watch a video… of the bride and groom getting married in Vegas two years prior, 4 months before their "engagement". She made a speech including the line, "We just wanted a wedding without all the hassles of things like cake, vendors and bridesmaids".

We did all this work to honor her and her marriage and she was already married. Apparently, we were also a hassle.

I feel deceived, hurt and used. We have many mutual friends, several that were in her wedding are in mine too. Our mutual bridesmaids are also unhappy her.

I've sent her an e-mail explaining how she made me feel and she sent me the same cookie cutter response she sent another bridesmaid. She just copied and pasted and changed our names at the top. She's sorry we feel the way we do, but she insists that she isn't in the wrong. Sure she was already married, but she claims she never felt like she was. As for all the money and time her bridesmaids put into this "wedding", she says it's part of the reason she had 8 bridesmaids, so that we could all split the costs and labor!

Her groom is a long time friend of mine that I've know since high school. I don't want to lose his friendship, but I'm extremely upset with his "new" wife and I'm not sure I'll ever be able to look at her as I once did. I'm not totally happy with him either, but I don't think he understands how poorly she behaved.

I can't stand the thought of this person being at the front of my wedding with me when I'm married. I don't even want to look at her. I feel like it's an insult to the rest of the bridal party who does treat me well to "honor' someone who treated me like she did. So, I'm really leaning towards telling her that I can no longer have her as a bridesmaid. Several people have told me they are 100% behind me if I remove her from my wedding. I know she hasn't bought her bridesmaid dress yet, so that isn't an issue.

This is not a choice I take lightly though and I need some guidance. I know this is going to be a very uncomfortable conversation that might have backlash.

Thank you for your time.

[Wedding Queen and MOG]

I don't blame you a bit for feeling decived - you were!

Remember the old saying, Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive"? SIGH

We've been telling couples for years that they cannot have a wedding do-over and/or allow guests to think they are celebrating a wedding, when in fact they aren't, because it can cause relationship issues and angry guests. So thanks for bringing the guest's side to light.

Normally I'd say that you'd have to live with your decision to have this person as a bridesmaid, since you already asked her, but in this case your relationship has been severly compromised. The problem really surrounds her husband still being included. You'll have to get with your groom and decide what the fallout would be with his relationship with this woman's husband, the groom's friend) and make sure that you are both on board with what you need to do and how you'll approach the two of them. The only thing I can think of is to either tell the bridesmad the truth (you no longer feel close enough to her) or dig up that white lie your mom always told you was pk in certain situations to avoid hurting feelings. Only the two of you can make this choice though.

I don't envy your position. Please let us know what happens and if we can help along the way.

[Mermaid Bride]

Thank you for responding so quickly. I have quite a lot to think about.
The groom is actually more my friend than my husband-to-be's. My fiancee does like the guy but he wasn't asked to be a groomsman in our wedding.

[DennyandKay]

This is a prime example of how overly extravagant weddings have become recently. The "bride" demanded far too much from her bridesmaids and you are right in feeling hurt and used. She had no right to proceed with a lavish wedding and expect so much from you when she was already married. How rude!

Wedding etiquette may support the unfortunate choice of keeping her as a bridesmaid, but in this case no one would blame you if you decided otherwise. Many of your bridesmaids may feel the same annoyance at her betrayal and this could put a damper on your joyous day.

As previously stated, it's up to you and your groom. Have a heart-to-heart talk and be as honest as you can without letting your feelings run the conversation. If you decide not to include her in your wedding, ask God to help you forgive her before you have a talk with her to tell her your joint decision. Set yourself free to enjoy your special day.

May God guide you in your decision.

[Wedding Queen and MOG]

Ah, I misunderstood. That makes it much easier then. I'd explain the reasons you're asking her to step down. Just know that asking her to step down might sever the relationship. But maybe you think, at this point, you have nothing to loose.

[Etiquette Now]

When someone treats us badly, especially lying to us, we have every right to avoid her/him even if we have invited her/him to a function. She lied, she demanded what wasn't hers to demand (no prewedding parties for those who are married), and she treated all of you as servants. Feel free to show her the door.

[Mermaid Bride]

I have decided to tell the offending bridesmaid that I no longer want her in my wedding.

I don't feel like an e-mail is an appropriate way to tell her. Can I call her or do I need to meet her in person to tell her? I haven't spoken to her since the night of her "wedding" almost two weeks ago.

[Wedding Queen and MOG]

I agree that e-mail wouldn't be right. I think a phone call would be fine.

Let me know how it goes?

[Etiquette Now]

I agree that in this case a phone call is fine.

[Mermaid Bride]

I called her this evening.

I kept calm even though I was sad, and told her how I felt. I told her that I had thought long and hard about this and didn't take my decision lightly, but that because of everything that had happened I am hurt, feel used, deceived and no longer want her to be in my wedding party. I told her that what happened has caused me a great deal of stress. She kept explaining that she didn't feel married back when she was married in '09 and that even though she was legally married back then, she considered her real wedding to be two weeks ago. She also explained that her and her groom are shocked that the bridesmaids have reacted in the way they have. I explained that she may not have felt married, but she was, and that married people don't get all the parties, craft days and other things that she expected of her friends. I didn't mention her bridezilla behavior because I felt that would just rub salt in the wound.

The conversation was civil, but sad. I told her that I don't hate her or anything extreme and this isn't goodbye - but that I need time to get over this. She said she wouldn't push my choice because it was my wedding.

I just wish she hadn't behaved in the way she did and taken advantage of so many people.

DennyandKay, I did pray for strength and guidance before making this phone call. I'm still stinging from the whole thing, but I think with time I will be able to forgive her, though the friendship will never be the same.

My groom-to-be and I still intend to invite them to the wedding, so we'll see what happens.

[DennyandKay]

Making that phone call took a great deal of courage and tact. Sounds like you and God did an excellent job of getting across your reasons for not wanting her as a bridesmaid and also not wanting to end the friendship. Good for you!

Please understand that forgiving someone doesn't mean that everything is okay now, that nothing bad happened, or that she is now off the hook. Someday she will stand before God to give an account of her behavior. What forgiveness truly means is that you are giving up your right to get even and leaving that vindication up to God, to perform in His way and in His time. You are setting yourself free to walk in liberty with a clear conscience before God.

When you forgive, you are handing over the IOUs to your heavenly Lawyer. He will take care of the collection of the debt. You don't have to feel weighed down with emotional baggage anymore because you are expecting nothing from her, not even an apology. She no longer owes you; she owes God. This is the freedom for which Christ died. Walk in it.

[Wedding Queen and MOG]

Thank you for that wonderul definition of forgiveness.

[Mermaid Bride]

Yes, thank you very much.
I'm sending that to the other bridesmaids that have been upset.