[justadelle]

I am getting to the point that I don't want to get married because of all of the negative aspects that are involved in the planning. It is my first wedding, but his third. He has two children from his most recent marriage (8 and 10, who live with and his ex-wife equally) and two others from a previous marriage. However, the most recent ex-wife also has two daughters of her own, and my fiance feels that one of them should be invited to the wedding. One of the girls has always been nice to him while the other has not ... this explains why he wants one to be there and not the other. He was their stepfather for three years, but he and his ex have been divorced for seven years and I don't feel that there is any reason for his ex-stepdaughter to be at our wedding. He says that he wants her there because she really wants to be there and because she still calls him Dad. I will say that she calls him Dad out of habit not because she looks up to him as a father figure. The only time that we see her is when we pick up the kids. As for her really wanting to be there, I have 250 students that really want to be at our wedding, but, of course, I have to draw the line somewhere. I will admit that she is a very nice girl, but I still don't see a reason for her being at our wedding.

Which brings me to another issue. The two children that live with us go to after school daycare at his ex brother-in-law and sister-in-law's place (The ex-wife's brother and his wife). My fiance also feels that they (and their disrespectful) children should be invited because they provide us with daycare. They only provide us with daycare , and because we don't do anything with them, I really don't consider them friends.

Anyway, he has really put his foot down about these issues stating that they will be attending. I tried to put my foot down about one thing and lost quite quickly. I really wanted my brothers to be part of the wedding party, but my fiance does not want that. I just feel like I am not getting anything that I really feel strongly about.
I know that these are some long and complicated issues, but I really need to know if how I am feeling is justified. Thanks.

Adelle

[Etiquette Now]

Dear Adelle,

I don't think anyone from the outside can solve this dispute. This really is something you two should talk through. But, I can tell you that it is very disrepectful to invite one young sibling and not the other. This will cause problems. Plus, it is just plain 'not nice'. If these were adults, it would be different. But with children???

Inviting any type of ex (wife, inlaws) can be a problem also. It can cause confusion and awkwardness. But, this is something you two need to talk about.

If you are having this much trouble with just the guest list, it seems as if you two need some help learning how to talk and negotiate with each other. You will be living together for some time and there is always something coming up that needs deciding.

Best wishes,

[Jill]

I think it is a pity that there are so many issues - feet being 'put down' to make a point.

There are so many people involved in this wedding planning that there is bound to be some disagreement - but negotiation seems to be the name of the game. When you marry someone with children already it is truly a family wedding - and you say your future husband was stepdad for three years. I thought it rather sad to read she still calls him Dad - it sounds as if they made a good connection.

Sit down and talk about all this - including your feelings about your brothers. Remember there is a whole life together ahead and you need to get off on the right foot.

[Yvonne - Blended Families]

Welcome to life in a blended family. The issues surrounding a wedding may seem huge but this is a glimpse into the kind of communicating, planning, compromising and working things through that is ahead of you. It begins now.

As for the steddaughter that your fiance wants to include, not only would I suggest inviting her (it would be nice if both could be invited) but I would support him in maintaining that connection he has with her. He was and perhaps still is a father figure to this girl and I think we really underestimate the importance of the roles we play in our stepchidren's lives. When we separate from our partners, we need to be really conscious of the impact of this on our stepchildren wnd whenever possible, maintain relationships that have been imortant to their growth and development. You don't know her very well and certainly don't have a relationship with her as yet, but she does hold a very different place in his life and it can't be really compared to the students who you no doubt have a relationship with, but who have never been in a family relationship with you.

As for the ex-relatives/daycare providers, this one is more negotiable. If you are having a true "family wedding" and these people are important people in your fiance's children's lives, then perhaps they should be invited. However, it's also fine to limit the involvement of the ex-family and they should understand because there are so many people to consider from both of your families. Perhaps this can be the piece that he brings to the table and you bring your issue to the table re: your brothers and you make a point to compromise over these two items.

You don't mention having any children of your own so this may all be new to you. I would suggest reading a book called "The Enlightened Stepmother" by Perdita Kirkness Norwood. It will be a worthwhile investment as you embark on the challenging journey of stepmotherhood. You're wise to reach out for advice and help on these issues because they are complicated and you are embarking on entirely new territory. I would suggest not pushing your partner too hard around the issues pertaining to his children/stepchildren where the wedding plans are concerned, but definitely articulate your own needs and wishes about the wedding in general and the things that are specifically important to you. If he sees you accepting some of his reasons for the things that are important to him, he will hopefully reciprocate and hear what's important to you. Good Luck!

This post has been edited by yvonne"instep": 07 November 2025 - 12:52 PM