Help
This past weekend my brother-in-law got married. He and his fiance decided not to have any attendents in the wedding because they did not want to offend anyone-which is understandable. (They did have two flower girls-the bride's younger sisters, and a ring bearer-my son.) However, as people were getting ready for the wedding, three of my brother-in-law's friends walked in and were dressed in tuxes. Needless to say this was a shock to my husband, whom is the groom's older brother. My brother-in-law was a groomsmen in our wedding 6 1/2 years ago.
We were told several things by my mother-in-law (who naturally tried to make things better between her sons.) First we were told they were just ushers-my husband and I always thought that the groomsmen were ushers, at least every wedding we have been to they have been. Second, my mother-in-law (and now my sister-in-law & brother-in-law) said that we were not asked because they thought that we could not afford the tux (the renting of a tux would have been cheaper than the suit we went out to buy for the wedding.) Third, that the decision to have ushers was made at the last minute. And finally, since my husband and I have two small children they felt that it would be best that we would stay with the two of them throughout the entire ceremony-my children have been around their great aunts and uncles at least 2-4 times a month.
Then my final question is, since my husband was hurt and obviously very upset, was it appropriate for us to leave after dinner had finsihed? My husband did not want to make a seen in front of everyone and ruin everything altogether. (Plus our two little ones did not have any naps that day and were finshed by 7:00pm.)
Do my husband and I have the right to feel hurt about being his being "left out" of his younger brother's wedding? Or is this a misunderstanding of everyone involved. Also, are people trying to "pull the wool over our eyes" ?
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Ushers vs. Groomsmen
#2
Etiquette Now 
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Dear Sister in Law,
Why would anyone want to pull the wool over your eyes and what would they have to gain? It appears as if your husband needs talk to his brother. It is impossible to know what is in someone's mind without asking.
Plus, it seems as if all of those excuses were valid.
None of you have anything to gain by dragging this out. Relationships are maintained by good communication, not reprisals.
Best wishes,
Why would anyone want to pull the wool over your eyes and what would they have to gain? It appears as if your husband needs talk to his brother. It is impossible to know what is in someone's mind without asking.
Plus, it seems as if all of those excuses were valid.
None of you have anything to gain by dragging this out. Relationships are maintained by good communication, not reprisals.
Best wishes,
#3
teachkidz2read
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We are planning and have started to talk to each other about what had happenedd-mainly through emails, we will hopefully see each other this weekend at a birthday party and can all sit down and talk. But can you clarify for me who/what an usher and a groomsman are? Also, when someone is in your wedding isn't it customary for you to be asked to be in theirs? Then finally even if money might had been an issue, shouldn't that be my and my husband's decision to make?
#4 Guest_expertplanner_*
I agree with Rebecca. You really should work toward getting past this and I know it may be hard to do. But like she said, you want to build up this relationship. The best way to do this is to talk. Emails are great, but sometimes intent and meaning can be misinterpreted. Again, it might be hard but live talk may be better than emails.
As for it being customary to be in each others' weddings, that is an assumption many people make and are disappointed when that assumption doesn't come to pass. Yes, it is nice to ask siblings to be in our weddings because it encourages peace and good relations, and it is nice to have those whom we choose to be in our weddings ask us to do the same. However, it is not a obligatory and that sometimes can hurt our feelings. But we have to remember that wedding attendants are usually chosen by the bride and groom based on who they feel closest to and who they want to stand with them on their day.
As to what the differences are between a groomsman and usher, a groomsman is in the wedding, may attend pre-wedding festivities and may assist the groom on his wedding day. An usher may attend pre-wedding festivities, and assists with certain tasks related to the wedding (passing out the programs, escorting guests to their seats, etc.). They are dressed in the same attire on the wedding day.
I hope this helps.
As for it being customary to be in each others' weddings, that is an assumption many people make and are disappointed when that assumption doesn't come to pass. Yes, it is nice to ask siblings to be in our weddings because it encourages peace and good relations, and it is nice to have those whom we choose to be in our weddings ask us to do the same. However, it is not a obligatory and that sometimes can hurt our feelings. But we have to remember that wedding attendants are usually chosen by the bride and groom based on who they feel closest to and who they want to stand with them on their day.
As to what the differences are between a groomsman and usher, a groomsman is in the wedding, may attend pre-wedding festivities and may assist the groom on his wedding day. An usher may attend pre-wedding festivities, and assists with certain tasks related to the wedding (passing out the programs, escorting guests to their seats, etc.). They are dressed in the same attire on the wedding day.
I hope this helps.
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