[suzbride]

I've been engaged 3 weeks, and my fiance and I have had several arguments about where to have our wedding. He's from Connecticut and has approx. 30 family/friends there. I'm from Maryland and have a much larger family from this area, approx. 90 people. We live together in Maryland now, as do my parents who have graciously offered us 10K for our wedding. Here's my problem: I'd like to have our wedding in Maryland- it'll be easier to plan, less travel for most guests, and its my hometown. My fiance wants to have the wedding in New England- a small town in Maine, approx. 13 hour drive from MD. The town is a nature's paradise, but very remote- no hotels (just inns) and hard to get to (3 hr drive from closest airport). We've vacationed there twice and loved it-- as a vacation spot. He wants to have it there b/c its an area thats "special" to both of us. He says that our closest friends/family will make the extra effort to get there- I say it'll be more traveling for everyone and harder to organize. He says that if I decide to have the wedding in my hometown, he'll "show up" but doesn't want to be involved in any of the planning since his opinions are inconsequential. I do want him to be involved in the planning process. I've even said that if he'll agree to have it here, he can choose all the food, and his response was "Is that my consolation prize?" An appropriate comment, since this has turned into a power struggle. I don't know what to do, because I feel like if we have it in MD he'll be hurt/angry deep down, and if we have it in Maine I'll feel that way. Am I being selfish? What can I do?

[Etiquette Now]

Dear Not Agreeing,

It sounds as if you two would benefit from a therapist who specializes in couples. Learning to compromise, listen, and truly communicate is essential to a healthy marriage.

Having said that, it would be unfair to your guests to make all of them travel and not have anywhere for them to stay once they arrive. This is supposed to be a celebration for everyone. No one is going to be joyful when they have to worry about how they will get there and where they will stay. Your fiance is most probably wrong to think that they will make the extra effort.

Another huge issue is the fact that your parents gave you a generous sum for your wedding. Parents are not financially responsible for their children's wedding any longer. So, this was a generous gift. Because they followed a tradition that is no longer being followed by many, wouldn't it be considerate to host the wedding in the bride's home town, which is equally as traditional?

If he still thinks that this is the only place in the word he wants to marry, perhaps this ceremony should be a private one with just you two. Then you can plan a reception back home with your family.

Best wishes,