[marriedalready]

My sitiuation is a little different than most. My now husband and i got engaged in early 2004. We had planned on a long engagement (to finish school) but nevertheless i began planning early and within the year i had all of the big stuff like the date (october 2006), attendents, colors, reception hall, and church set in stone. In april 2005 a minor problem forced us to marry quickly in the courthouse with which we invited immediate family and i even wore a black dress, with a red rose bouquet, which are the colors i chose for my attendents, to save the white dress for my church wedding (my husband is in the process of becoming a US citizen). No celebration took place. Although i would've liked to move the whole event up, the funds just weren't there (we both come from large families and are close with many of our extended families, something small is impossible.) Since we had the most important things set we figured we could leave the reception with all of our family for after our church wedding and treat that day as the big thing to celebrate... NOT as an aniversary celebration (the date is off) or even vow renewal. To us it is something completely different. It is the day we promise ourselves to eachother before God. This to us is the most important reason why plans for our ceremony must go on. But as we've become husband and wife legally, a religious ceremony is still exciting but the excitement of a large sit down reception and financial burden (since we are now trying to buy a house) have become issues. I'm stuck in a place where i truly want the wedding that was originally planned with drinks and dancing (i never had my father daughter dance or even a first dance with my husband) and i don't want any regrets if i should change plans...But as a way to save money and considering we will be married a year and a half legally we've thought of having an afternoon luncheon still semi formal following immediately after the ceremony maybe lasting 2-3 hours (having a mariarchi band play during lunch) and after the luncheon possibly have a dj (without a dinner) and tab bar or head to our house (if we should have one by then) or to the local bars to celebrate with our closest friends and bridal party(or whoever). My questions are:

1) Given my situation is it okay to have the original ceremony, pictures, and reception (with dinner,dance and drinks) if i should chose to, to celebrate our church union?

2) If i chose to have a the original nightly reception is okay to have a $1000 tab bar (my thinking is we're offering something even if its not unlimited drinking)?

3) If i chose the afternoon (2pm-5pm) reception is it okay to offer drinks (again a tab bar) or is it too early?

4) With an afternoon reception is dancing after lunch odd (which might take us to dinner time) or is the serenade of mariarchi band music suitable enough?

5) Is it rude of us to invite everyone at the luncheon especially close family and friends (if we don't have a DJ) out for dinner and drinks after the luncheon reception even if we have no intention of paying in able to continue the celebration?


6) Although i partly know the answer...would it be bad to register for gifts and have a shower?

7)And lastly can my father still walk me down the aisle?


Thank you for the help.

Sincerely,

alreadymarried

This post has been edited by marriedalready: 06 January 2026 - 07:43 PM

[Etiquette Now]

Dear Married,

We have many post stating that if you are married it is not appropriate to have a wedding ceremony. It is not viewed positively. It is most often viewed as a couple trying to create a gift giving situation.

Your situation is really not different than most. Many people must choose to marry now or later for various reasons. But, if we choose to marry, we are married. We can only marry again if we divorce and marry again. Please read about vow renewal etiquette for more information.

1) So, no. It would not be appropriate for you to have a wedding ceremony. You could have your wedding blessed by the church. But, this is typically a small intimate affair with family and perhaps a few friends. You and your husband would be dressed simply and there would be no attendants. The new Emily Post's Wedding Etiquette speaks of this on page 217.

You can have pictures and a big celebration (party).

2) You and your husband would have to host all of this. Guest should never pay if they have been invited. However, it seems as though your $1000 should be enough for drinks, but I'm not an expert in that field. It does make sense though, that in 2-3 hours that would be sufficient.

It wouldn't seem proper to have a first dance or father/daughter dance, because you are married. You two have been dancing for a while.

3) If you choose afternoon party, this would be fine too. Many would choose sparkling wine or still wine. This is appropriate for this time of day.

4) I'm from California. Mariachi music is appropriate any time here. But, dancing after lunch is great.

5) And, yes. It would be rude to invite guests to a meal with no intention of paying for their meals. The rule is: you invite, you pay.

6) OK. You already know the answer on this. Do you really want the answer??? OK. Here it goes... You are already married. So... no shower. No registry. Sorry, but a vow renewal is not a gift giving event and not something we register for. You are not a bride, you are a wife.

7) It isn't appropriate for your father to walk you down the aisle, because you are married. But, I have known couples who include their fathers with their children to make this seem appropriate. So... use your best judgment.

I know it seems as if you missed out on something special. But, it is just the hype. It is the private moments we share with those we love that creates the strongest impression in our minds and hearts. So many couple strive for the perfect wedding. You may have already experienced it.

Best wishes,

[marriedalready]

Thank you Rebecca, you were a great help.

[Wedding Queen and MOG]

Well said, Rebecca!

A vow renewal is a great choice since this gives you the opportunity to recite your vows to each other in the prescence of those you love and then celebrate afterwards. You can all dress up and have fun...the only thing missing is the gifts. Although you shouldn't expect them, some guests may bring one but the focus should be on what you are celebrating...the love and life the two of you now share. Corny? Maybe. But any gifts, parties, foods or music will be gone, used or faded but the memories (and the photos!) you have from the event willl last a lifetime.