[Vilma]

Hello,

I have recently attended the wedding of my common-law husband’s daughter in Montreal. The bride is of Scottish decent, and the groom is of Indian background (Punjab). Both the bride’s and groom’s parents have lived in Canada for over thirty years. My partner and I have been divorced from our previous spouses for over twenty years respectively; we met 14 years ago and have been together since. We contributed to the occasion by purchasing the beverages.

Prior to the wedding, we were told by the bride that she wished to have her Dad sitting with her, her mother, the groom and his parents as well as the siblings of the bride and groom at the head table during the reception. (I was to be seated with my partner’s siblings who were visiting from Scotland and whom I knew quite well.) The bride justified it by saying that we were all intelligent and reasonable people and could deal with it. We were also told that it would be a modified, i.e., shortened, Hindu ceremony that will last about 45 minutes. No other details about the ceremony were offered until shortly before the ceremony.

The ceremony lasted about 90 minutes and had a relatively large part for my partner, which he claimed he was not aware of. One of the requirements was that he sit in the (temporary, stage-like) temple with the young couple, the groom’s parents and his ex-wife, holding her hands for much of the time.

Following the ceremony was the photo-session in which my partner participated. Cocktails followed, everyone mingled and introductions were made. During all of this time I was left to my own devices. My partner’s siblings spent most of the time with the former in-laws, and admitted that they were wondering how I was going to feel during it all. We were told that dinner would not be served for at least another three hours.

Feeling very much out of place, I told my partner that I could not bear standing around by myself for such a long time, and would like to leave. His answer was pretty much that I was free to do whatever pleased me. He told me upon his return many hours later that it was a wonderful reception and everybody had a great time.

Just an additional note that my partner had been unemployed for five of the 14 years we have been together, I supported us ensuring we had a comfortable standard of living, and all concerned were well aware of it.

My question is: Was I wrong to leave the reception? If affirmative, what should and could I have done? My partner suggested AFTER the fact that I could have stayed away from the wedding. Actually, I only attended because I have been told in the past that I did not make enough effort to be part of the family. Do you agree with his suggestion? There are two more children that will be getting married in the near future and I would like to be prepared a bit better for the next one (or throw in the towel and walk away from it all, but that’s a question for a different kind of professional.)

Thank you.

[Etiquette Now]

Dear Left Out,

It would have been better if you could have involved yourself and not stayed in the background. While he was being introduced and chatting, you could have mingled with him, unless the genders were supposed to remain separated.

It probably would have been better to stay and meet other people if you couldn't mingle with your partner, because with you leaving it appears as if you had a problem with the family.

Personally, I probably would have felt left out myself and would not have been happy with my partner for not bringing me in as much as possible.

Best wishes,

[Jill]

I can understand how distressed you must have been, and leaving was the choice you made. Looking back, do you think that you could have done anything differently? As there are more children to be married in time, do make sure that there is plenty of discussion with your partner about what is going to happen.