[SoonToBeMrsB]

Hi there,

First of all, no matter how the day turns out, I could not be more excited to be marrying the man of my dreams. I know that not everything is going to go exactly perfect on our day...but it doesn't matter, because my future husband is perfect for me!

I'll state my question first, then I'll explain my dilemma afterward: Would it be rude to invite people to a wedding (and post it in the church bulletin for anyone else to attend--what many people do at our church), and then just exit right afterward, and go to a private reception for family only...consisting of cake cutting, dinner, dancing...?

Dilemma: My mom says that isn't kosher--if you invite people to the wedding, they should go to some kind of reception, too. It has been suggested to me that I have a 45 min long cake cutting and punch reception at the church, immediately after the wedding, with all of the attendees of the wedding, and then leave for the private family reception (which would consist of eating dinner and dancing).

However, this seems so long and drawn out to me. I don't want my family to be tired, and to have to go to two receptions just seems a bit much to ask of them (the private reception would be about 30 min away at a facility that accomodates just the right amount of people to cover the whole family and bridal party--100 total). What do I do...?

One other thing--sorry so long and drawn out--where should the garter and bouquet toss fit in to each situation?

Thanks!

[SoonToBeMrsB]

Let me clarify a bit further--

I was thinking of sending wedding/reception invites to family and bridal party only (since our wedding site, which allows us dancing, only accomodates 100). Then, a week or so before the wedding, put an announcement in our weekly church bulletin that whoever wants to witness our vows, can...the wedding will be open to all.

Then, after the "open" wedding, us newlyweds, plus my family and the bridal party, would leave immediately to our reception site for dancing, cake, garter and bouquet toss, eating, etc, etc. Is it rude to leave the "self-appointed" guests, and go to the private reception with the only "official" invited guests (the family), and do all of the traditional reception things at the private reception?

Yikes I hope I don't sound too rude! Well I guess that's why I'm here, to sort it all out...haha! Thanks so much for the help. Hope I didn't confuse you further. I'm pretty confused myself. [crazy]

[Etiquette Now]

Dear Wants to Be Kosher,

You are not rude or confusing. This is a common question when there are church members involved--more of an open church wedding. So, although it is common to have an open church wedding and not invite them to your reception, there is typically some sort of gathering afterwards for the members. But, if you are not inviting them to your wedding, you are not responsible for inviting them to your reception.

Of course it would be nice to have cookies and punch afterwards, but it isn't mandatory.

If you could keep this private, it would be even better.

Best wishes,

[SoonToBeMrsB]

You just made my day.

[Etiquette Now]

It is definitely my pleasure.

[SoonToBeMrsB]

Ahhh I just thought of another thing--

What if the "self appointed" guests, the ones that just happen to show up at my open wedding, start to ask others, "so where's the reception?"

Should I, in the programs, put, "Private Family Reception Follows" ?...I know you said it might be best to just keep a lid on it, but I bet some of the guests that decide to drop in and watch the ceremony are going to think they are automatically going to an "open" reception, too. Is there any polite explanation necessary for those who just drop in that there's no cookies and punch afterward? (Again, I'm just really frowning on two receptions...I'd hate to tire out my officially invited guests, who are out-of-town family members).

Thanks once again.

[Etiquette Now]

It is best not to mention it. If any of your guests are asked, they can mention that it is a family reception. All of your guests will know where it is.

[SoonToBeMrsB]

Thank you!

[Etiquette Now]

I was thinking about this and perhaps you could mention in the same bulletin you list your wedding that there will be no reception afterward.