[zyta124]

Sorry if this gets a little lengthy, but here goes:

I am in my cousin's (the groom) wedding on the other side of the country. To my surprise, the bride, whom I have only met once and for a very brief period of time, asked me to be a bridesmaid! I accepted, but living so far from the location of the wedding leaves me with a few questions.

The MOB has decided to throw a surprise bridal shower the day before the wedding. I received a formal invitation which included registry information. Nearly everything from the registry has already been purchased, leaving only large items that would be impossible to bring from out of state. Is it appropriate to give a monetary gift/gift card in this situation? Is it more appropriate to give two separate gifts for shower and reception, or one large sum for the two events as they are back to back?

It seems so inappropriate for a member of the bridal party to give such a thoughtless gift as money but I'm not left with many choices. Traveling so far, I can't transport tangible gifts easily. I'm not close enough to the couple to get them an especially meaningful or intimate gift that's not on the registry. Any suggestions?

[Etiquette Now]

Dear Zyta,

It's very inappropriate for the mother to be hosting this and especially improper to do it the day before the wedding. It could appear as if she wants to make sure her daughter receives the most gifts possible.

Cash isn't a proper shower gift. This should be a less expensive gift than the wedding gift and could be a group gift you pool in with the other attendants if there are any. The gift doesn't need to be from the registry, as it is only a guide. Plus, it could be something you create.

The wedding gift is shipped to the couple before the wedding. It isn't a reception gift. So please do not take it to the reception.

Best wishes,