[shanasmom]

My oldest daughter is getting married at the end of this year. She was raised from age 12 by my second husband (her stepdad) and had barely anything to do with her biological father during this time. She was diagnosed with brain cancer the month after she graduated HS and was hospitalized in ICU after emergency brain surgery. Bio dad was informed through family and showed up at the hospital. Since then, he has called her rarely and not her younger brother or sister at all. Her stepfather feels it's his EARNED right to walk her down the aisle. My daughter doesn't know who she wants to do this, her dad, her stepdad, her uncle, or her maternal grandfather. Can you help suggest a solution so that no one's feelings are hurt? By the way, I did suggest to her that she could walk herself down the aisle but she doesn't like that idea. Thank you for any help you can provide.

[Fr. Anderson]

Dear Shanasmom,

These kinds of decisions are often the most difficult and cause the most harm to what is supposed to be a blessed occassion. I would suggest some type of family counselling to help mediate this issue. Many times as a result of a divorce fathers can be made to feel alienated from their children and are chased out of their children's lives by cirmcumstance (children are moved, remarriage) or bitterness between the divorced couple. Would this be a case where her father would be alienated from her even more if he was excluded? How does your daughter feel about her step-father? Is he who ultimatrely raised her as a father figure or was his role more subdued?

Ultimately it's your daughters decision. I don't know all the circumstances surrounding your family situation or your relationship with your ex husband. So I can't really give you any real hard advice other than family counselling and a heart in favor of what your daughter ultimately wants. A stepfather can be part of the problem, or part of the solution in broken families. Without more details I can't be specific.

I offer prayers for a peaceful resolution.

[RevSusanna]

You are a caring mother in trying to help your daughter in this way. My questions your daughter would be, "Who raised you?" "Who was there for you as you grew into adulthood?" "Who is closest to your heart?" That is the person who usually walks the bride down the aisle. I have done many wedding ceremonies where brides are in similar situations. Sometimes the biological father walks the bride to the beginning of the aisle, where the man who raised her then takes her hand. It is symbolic of the biological Dad giving the child life---and then the man who raised her takes over. Sometimes the biological Dad walks her halfway down the aisle. I have had many a mom walk their daughter down the aisle when no long-term father figure was present in the bride's life.
The decision is your daughter's. It is her feelings that matter most.
Blessings,