[vixen]

Hello, it seems I have another etiquette question about the ever so controversial "money only gift registry". My friend/supervisor is getting married. I asked him about his gift registry and he said "no we are doing cash only". Instead of leaving it at that he continues on justifying "we just do not need anything but we are in debt so we could use the cash" (he is spending money on a fancy wedding yet is complaining about being in debt?), and he kept his mouth going by telling me his expectation on how to calculate the amount of cash. His expectation is as follows "you should assume how much the meal costs, then double it so youre paying for the meal plus extra money for the gift, but then add more on top of that figure so youre not doing the bare minimum and this additional amount is the number you add based on how close you are with the person as your extra gift". Yes, I am like anyone who feels asking for money is rude, but telling people how much you expect? I feel put on the spot. He said the meal might be around $100 so we should all give a minimum of $200 per meal, and add whatever we think the value of our relationship is. A mutual friend of ours who is invited was complaining that the similiar conversation they had together was that he expects to bring in enough money to pay for the wedding, plus bring down his debt load.
The wedding takes place on a day I work, I was originally happy to take unpaid time off for this, but now I just feel imposed on. This is no longer feeling like "I would love to celebrate with you, and this is what I WANT to do to make it wonderful", I now feel like "Ugh, I'm taking unpaid time off work, and now I have to come up with over $400 to pay for me and my guest".

Would it be ruining "their moment" to tell him how his mentality is making me and others feel? (without naming names). I think I will not attend as it seems safer to decline the invitation than to insult him with less cash than he expected, or a thought out but less costly gift such as wine, massage oils, a food basket, combined with gift cards, etc. I don't want to upset him but I feel other people may feel pressured to decline also. Is there an etiquette on how to deal with people who have announced a minimum cash expectation?

[Etiquette Now]

Dear Vixen,

Yikes and double yikes! In essence, he is requiring his guests to pay for his reception. This is not being a good host, and that is what he is supposed to be.

This is a great example of why I do not care for cash registries. These are deemed appropriate today. But, it still has a negative connotation; perhaps not as negative as verbally asking, but still. He doses salt in the wounds by verbally stating how much he deserves. Tums, anyone?

Perhaps you could tell him that you have been reading about proper etiquette and have found that requiring guests to pay for their plate and pad the bill is viewed as improper and impolite. Where he got his calculations, I haven't a clue. I'm worried that if you mention that you have heard other's comment, you could be placing yourself in a difficult position.

Don't feel pressured to give any more than you wish. In fact, I like your ideas for gifts. Those are all very appropriate. And, if you don't attend, you don't really need to give a gift. A card is appropriate in this case.

I feel this couple will be very disappointed. I doubt many will want to fill their pockets. This is not a great way to begin their marriage--guilting their guests.

Best wishes,

[Weddings by Shayna]

I was inclined to suggest that you print up theater-style tickets for him with his wedding date and location on them so he would find it easier to "track his sales", but I recognize that as bad "diplomacy". He's clearly wrong, and he's your boss, which puts you in an awkward position both ways. If you decide to attend, buy him an appropriate gift that you believe he will enjoy, OR, explain to him politley and firmly that demanding money is tantamount to charging admission and that you are simply not comfortable with that.

Good luck!

[Wedding Queen and MOG]

Agreed. I would surely give a gift, not cash, if attending. I don't see any benefit from getting into it with the groom. Attend if you want to or bow out and send a card if you loathe this behavior. I'd steer clear of discussing the whole issue with this person. As you can tell from our many posts on etiquette, when people are being rude, they rarely want to hear about it - even when they come out and ask us specifically for the help. [crazy]