[raivin]

Our wedding is coming up in August and my fiance's cousin who is a Minister agreed to perform our ceremony. Tonight, we were informed that our Minister has decided he no longer wishes to perform. This naturally brought confusion and all my fiance's mother would tell us was that he didnt think what we were doing was right.

After calling the Minister, it turns out that fiance's ENTIRE family is gossipping about our wedding. They know things that even we dont know regarding our day. Figures, right? And the Minister states that because I am having my bestfriend, which happens to be a man, stand by me as my "man of honor" that he could easily "switch" and become a lesbian because he is not strong in his gendered role of which is a man. But the worst of it is, the rumors were that my "man of honor" was going to be wearing a dress. Very untrue.

We called and explained to the Minister and he said he didnt want to be involved in "this", already assuming the rumors are true. He did say he would think about it and give us a call within a day or so with his answer. But now that I think about.... I shouldn't even of had to call and explain myself. You see, fiance's entire family, Minister included claim to be non-judging, GOD-loving people but it seems to me that they are being very judgemental and worse yet, they didnt even call us to ask what was going on. The rumors were started from fiance's mother. We both are hurt and insulted.

Knowing that the Minister was quick to assume and not even call us to ask and the fact that we have no idea when they were actually going to refuse us, should we look for a new officiant? And, since they are part of his family and the invites havent gone out yet, would it be ok to exclude them from the wedding since they claim its such an issue to have a man stand in a "womans" role??

If we do exclude them, I know it will cause some angry family members on his side but we dont want a day full of negativity and gossip on a day of what should be joyous and happy.

[Etiquette Now]

Dear Raivin,

This is so unfortunate and catty. Honestly, I thought everyone knew that gender plays no role in choosing attendants these days. Silly me. And, I agree that judging your honor attendant and you two is not right or polite. [unsure]

Ultimately it is you and your fiance who must choose to exclude these people from your wedding. But, it may better to turn the other cheek and not react to the negativity.

There are probably more on your guest list who will cheer you on compared to those who look down their noses at others and chat over the fence about their neighbors. So, talk to your fiance about this and decide what is best going forward.

About the officiant?? Well, if it were me, I find another one. But again, this is your choice.

Best wishes,

[RevSusanna]

Can you meet with the minister face to face? It is the best way to find out if you both will feel comfortable with him. In person, he may be nicer than you think. For the sake of the family, why not give him the benefit of the doubt? However, IF you find that you are NOT comfortable with him, I would counsel your getting another officiant. You can explain to family members that you indeed met with him, and HONESTLY did not feel comfortable. If they ask why, be honest, without defense or judgment---gently, lovingly, firmly honest---making it all about your thoughts and feelings without judging them for theirs.

All blessings and prayers for a peaceful solution!

[raivin]

Hi Rebecca,

I really do appreciate your advice on this matter. My fiance's family are extreme southern baptist and my fiance's beliefs are not of the rest of his family. He did challenge them to show him where in the Bible it stated such nonsense, naturally they couldn't tell us.

We have decided to find a new officiant, it was just too much and the fact that he never gave either of us the benefit of the doubt to call and discuss it with us further. Turns out he had no intentions of ever letting us know, so we would've been stood up at the altar on our day. Unbelievable.

We are not inviting them since they are being more negative than ever saying were sinners, living in sin, etc. We'll invite the rest of his family and hope they are a bit more open-minded and happy for us.

Once again, I thank you for your wonderful advice and kind words regarding this matter. This site has been a real lifesaver.... I also will be making a donation within the next day or so.

Take care,
Sarah

[raivin]

Hi RevSusanna,

We have met with him on different occassions and he is a nice man but he along with the rest of the family are extreme southern baptists and as soon as the Minister found out about us having a "man of honor" he severed all ties with us. If we do call, we have to go through his wife as a go-between.

The Minister had informed us that he would be more than happy to perform for us if I changed my man of honor to a woman, as that is a womans role to which we refused. We plan on inviting everyone on his families side with the exception of the Minister and his wife; like I said they are nice people but the comments are so hurtful, and I'm sure we'll face some backlash from other family members but neither of us want the day ruined by their remarks and hostile attitude. My fiance at this point and time is very disgusted and ashamed of his family over this whole ordeal so I'm trying to be as supportive as I can be and trying my best to not be judgemental.

I do thank you for your advice.

Sarah

[Etiquette Now]

Dear Sarah,

I am so sorry about this. I hope that through the years all of you can meet at some middle ground.

Take care and be happy.