[junebride]

My aunt is a pastor and my parents are under the impression that she will be the one to officiate at the wedding ceremony. My fiance and I are planning to have a justice of the peace marry us as it will be a very small (garden) wedding with a non -denominational setting. But how do I avoid hurting my family's feelings?

[RevFrye]

It is difficult to respond to your question without knowing why you are excluding your aunt from your wedding celebration. If you are not going to exclude her, then why not have her officiate? Such would seem a lot more intimate and family-oriented than a wedding performed by a JP.

[Jill]

is it because you do not want any religious input at all? otherwise you could perhaps ask your aunt to bless your marriage?

[junebride]

Well we do not want to include a specific religious faith in the ceremony because of the "mix" of guests that we will be having. Many of them are from different backgrounds and faiths and we do not want anyone to feel uncomfortable. [unsure] But my parents say my aunt will feel really hurt if I do not ask her to officiate. Religions plays a big role in my family but I just want to be comfortable during the ceremony.

Thanks

[junebride]

Hi Jill,

well, we could ask her to do that but she will mention her faith and that is what we are trying to avoid. We have guests with various backgrounds and faiths and we do not want anyone to feel uncomfortable. Religion is a big role in almost all of their lives' but they each have different views and believe me, it will be very controversial [crazy].

Thanks

[Wedding Queen and MOG]

With all due respect, you are denying your faith to make your guests feel comfortable?

I've been to many weddings between people of different faiths. I've never been unconfortable. This is your wedding and if you want your marriage blessed by God then go ahead and have your Aunt as the officiant.

[Jill]

There are so many mixed faith marriages that I am sure you aunt will have come across this before. Would you have a talk with her about your worries? I am sure she will be sensitive to the issue if you explain to her your wish not to upset anybody. Although in my experience it isnt likely to happen. Hopefully all the people there will be happy to see you both happy, and to wish you well.

[RevSusanna]

With kindness and open hearted honesty---that is how you approach your family.

The questions here are "What do you believe?", "Do you follow a particular faith?", "Do you believe in God?", "Do you want your marriage blessed by clergy?"

Your wedding needs to reflect your beliefs and that of your fiance....not those of your guests...or your aunt....

If you and your fiance follow the same faith as your aunt, then I really don't see the issue. You need to be true to your faith. People of different faiths will understand that. For example, a Muslim or a Jew going to a Christian's wedding expects to see a Christian service. They can witness without participating.

On the other hand, if you do not want ANY mention of religion at all because YOU do not espouse to any particular faith, then tell your aunt and family this open heartedly. You have a right to your beliefs even if they are different than your family's. Though, I admit, it may be difficult to tell them that. It will take courage on your part.

If you want the mention of God, spiritual but not rooted in any particular faith or religion, will your aunt be willing to do that? There is only one God afterall. There is a way to have a ceremony without any religious doctrine referring to God in a universal sense. This is how I conduct many interfaith, intercultural wedding ceremonies.

If you are atheist or agnoistic, and prefer no mention of God, then you need to go with the JP.

I hope this helps!

Blessings,

Rev. Susanna Stefanachi Macomb

[junebride]

Hi Rev. Susanna,

thanks for your reply.[:)] Well my fiance and I share a similar faith to my aunt's but there are certain things we do not believe. My parents are very upset that I am thinking of not asking her, and the real reason is that I do not want to feel uncomfortable during the ceremony. But growing up in this family and with my religion is a big deal and I know it will cause alot of confusion and hurt feelings if I decide not to go with my aunt.

I was wondering if I could decide on what I would like to be said during the ceremony and even the prayers....we will write our own vows and we have ideas about what religious passages we would like to be read. Do you think she would feel hurt if we asked her to conduct the ceremony in a specific pattern based on what we want?

We are trying to break away from tradition and have a ceremony that entails both our cultures and beliefs. This is really stressing me out, and it is making me very unhappy.

Also, do you know anything about state laws, in terms of a religious officiant who is licensed in NY marrying someone in the state of FL? Is there any other license that they would have to obtain?

Thanks alot

Junebride

[RevSusanna]

Most members of the clergy have absolutely no problem when a couple wants to follow a specific structure, selecting their own vows, prayers and rituals. In fact, this is what many couples are doing these days! Speak to your aunt about this openly. If she does not agree, or if she feels uncomfortable, then, my dear, you have a perfect OUT! New York clergy persons need to register with Florida before preforming a service. Begin the process early. Simply call your local Florida county clerk/marriage bureau, explain your situation, and they will give you all the information as to what your aunt will need to do in order to be licensed in Florida (present her papers, register and so forth).

I think you are on your way to a solution here...

I commend you on your sensitivity.

Wishing you peace and joy...

Blessings,

Rev. Susanna Stefanachi Macomb

[RevFrye]

"but there are certain things we do not believe"...

Why not be honest with your family? Explain that 'their' faith does not match yours and you want an officiant that represents your values - not those of your aunt's (and other family members). Why not simply say, "I want this wedding celebration to be all about me and my fiancé."

[truelove]

This will probably be a controversial thing to say but I have to agree with the OP.

I am Wiccan. My family is all Catholic and his is Methodist. My fiance and I decided not to have a Wiccan ceremony because my family would be very upset.

We decided that a JP would generate the least objections and everyone would be happy even if their wasn't enough religion included for their tastes.

Why not just have a JP do the ceremony instead of a religious faith?