[rsaylor]

My long-time boyfriend and I agreed we want to get married, but I'm going to wait until he actually proposes. We discussed it and we want to have one or two engagement parties; one formal for our families & another more informal for our close friends. Our problem is our families aren't too fond of each other. My mother doesn't like his mother, both our parents are divorced, his mother's family and father's family hold grudges against each other, he doesn't like either of my families, my dad's family doesn't like my mother...how do we make this work?

[Etiquette Now]

Dear Rsaylor,

If you are hosting, hopefully your guests will behave themselves and be good guests. However, inviting those you know do not care for each other isn't being a good host. We don't treat our guests in this manner. It's like throwing a lamb into a lion pit. So, it may be that you don't have the formal family engagement party.

Perhaps you could host an open house type affair and try to coordinate it to where those who are like minded are in the same room together at the same time--letting family members know when others are arriving if possible. That would take a lot of coordinating that we don't normally do for open house parties. Usually guests come and go at their leisure.

Please remember, especially if you are hosting, that this isn't supposed to be a gift giving event. So, please no mention of gifts or your preferences.

It also may be best to wait until your plans are firm, because only those invitedto the wedding may be invited to any pre-edding party.

Best wishes,

This post has been edited by TWQadmin: 14 July 2025 - 04:05 PM

[PremaritalCoach]

Wow, from a counselor point of view this sounds like a challenge, both before and after marriage, but I am not telling you anything you don’t already know.

Ok, the answer. If you have one party, you and all your family will be uncomfortable. So…go out to eat, formally or informally, and have individual parties with each group. You can use the same decorations, etc. for each party and no one would ever know but you. You could say, “You all mean so much to us and we would like to have a special, private party with you all (each family group, that is) to celebrate our engagement (…or…) for a special surprise which we will tell you at the dinner.” Then, after all the family parties are over, go party with your friends.