[mapachal]

My relationship with my father has never been very close. He has had issues with alcohol on and off as far as I can remember. He is currently "off the wagon" and, in fact, I have not heard from him since I called him to announce my engagement over a month ago. When I did last call him, his response was less than interested and he actually changed to subject to talking about the weather (which is usually what we talk about when I do ever hear from him). He hasn't sent a card or gift, offered to pay for any of the wedding or even inquired about his duties as Father of the Bride. I am assuming he expects me to plan and arrange everything for him (what he will wear, where he will stay, transportation, etc) as he normally does. And I'm not just talking about the wedding day. Also, after speaking with my siblings and since he has been off the wagon again (about 6 years now) I have discovered many things he did in the past that have just devastated me. Whenever I think about him I get depressed and stressed out. I have tried everything I can to help him out of this and to support him. But he ends up taking everything for granted and starts using us (me and my siblings) for a place to stay, money, food, etc. It has become too much and is at the point that I don't even want to be around him or talk to him anymore. It's almost like he is pushing everyone away so we don't bother him about his drinking and he'll just drink himself to death. My biggest issues in regards to the wedding specifically are:

1. I don't believe he has deserved the honor of walking me down the aisle. But then I feel guilt for "kicking him while he's down". But when I think about it, I don't even know if he'd care.

2. Asking him to stay sober for my wedding.

3. Having his name on invitations and programs. Again, I don't even want his name on these things.

What do I do? I don't feel he was ever a real father...he contributed to my birth, but it was my mom who provided for us and raised us. I honestly can't think of anything he ever gave or taught me to make me the woman I am.

Help.

[Etiquette Now]

Dear Mapachal,

He may be your father, but he is also a substance abuser. So, the typical etiquette rules do not apply here, except that we protect our guests from those who can become unruly. You and your siblings need to be protected as well.

Anyone can escort you; it doesn't have to be a father. In fact, you can walk alone. He doesn't have to be listed on your invitations or programs. He doesn't have to be invited either unless you wish it. You could preface his invitation by stating that he may attend as a guest if he stays sober. But, there is no way you can enforce his sobriety.

It is unfortunate that we have to exclude family at times, but when it involves any type of abuse, then it is time to stand up and say no more. It isn't impolite behavior. It is a healthy approach to something very negative.

Best wishes,