[janejock]

My fiance and I are getting married in Vegas later this year. We don't have an exact head count yet, but we know how much money we have. We were thinking of two options: inviting our guests out to dinner after the ceremony, or having a family dinner with the bridal party and then doing a big club/VIP/limo thing for our friends.

It looks like our friends will have more fun at a club event after the wedding, but some of them suggested inviting all the guests out to dinner "on their own." I don't think there's any tactful way to do this..."Hey, we're doing a family dinner after the ceremony. You're welcome to come, but we can't cover your bill." I assume this goes along with "if you invite them, you must pay." We just can't afford both. HELP PLEASE!

[Etiquette Now]

Dear Janejock,

The reason you are having a difficult time with this is because it isn't polite. There are a plethora of posts concerning this; plus, it is commonly referred to by etiquette writers like Judith Martin aka, Miss Manners.

When we invite, we are then hosts. We pick up the tab for the entire event. Plus, all wedding guests are invited to the entire reception. It is extremely impolite to host a dinner for some and not for others. It is equally extremely impolite to invite some guests to the dinner and not the "after" party. An after party is one of the worst examples of impolite behavior toward one's guests--a major no-no.

So, you know your budget, now plan an event that caters to all of your guests.

Also, please remember that if you are asking others to be attendants for you, you are expected to provide lodging for them for at least two nights.

Best wishes,