[nypabride]

Hello,

Some of my aunts and my mother's friends are hosting my bridal shower at my aunt's home. They have asked me for a guest list and I have compiled one in a very organized Excel spreadsheet. However, because my mother and father are divorced, my mother has many close friends and relatives, and my fiance's family and close friends (whose significant others I really have to invite) are large in number as well, the guest list has reached...are you sitting?...90 women!

My aunt is very generous and seems fine with the number (they have a very large home and she said they expected around 75, but 90 is fine with her, too), but I am well aware of the etiquette and agree that a shower should be an intimate gathering. So I am stressing more about the guest list than anyone else and am trying to pare it down but am having a very, very difficult time because I don't want to leave anyone out who I think want or expect to be invited.

I thought that perhaps my fiance's family would host a shower for me in their neck of the woods for their friends and relatives, but that does not seem to be happening. There is a very sick family member that is occupying the whole family's thoughts and efforts and I would not expect or want them to devote time and money for a shower for me, especially in light of all that's been going on (since before we were engaged).

I have seen other posts on this board regarding large guest lists and who to invite, but none of them really shed any light on my precise issue.

I would be very grateful for any thoughts or advice you might offer.

[Etiquette Now]

Dear Nypabride,

There is no way to host an event like this and have it appear even remotely appropriate. The biggest problem is that these hosts are not your friends. They are family and your mother's friends. This is where the problem began. Of course they would want to help you garner the most gifts possible by hosting a huge party that rivals a reception--major gift grab.

The next problem is that the guests are not your friends and the family you are close to. They are your mother's friends and some family. The guests should be a few very close friends of yours and very close family--usually, siblings, mothers, and grandmothers. We have many posts concerning this.

Just focus on who should be invited and you should be fine. And, please remember that it is not an "honor" to be asked or expected to purchase two gifts (wedding and shower) for someone just because they are marrying. That is basically what is being asked to the guests of a shower.

There really wasn't a reason to list your guests on an excel spreadsheet for the appropriate shower. You shouldn't have had that many to "organize"-- 35 guests tops.

Best wishes,