[octobride]

My fiance has a total of four kids from previous relationships. His two youngest kids are from 2 different mothers - a boy who is 5 years old and a girl who is 6. These two young children do not live with us. We do not plan on inviting children to the wedding but will have teenagers (including his two eldest sons) ages 15 to 18.

Is it in poor taste to not include his two youngest kids? They are unaware that we are getting married. My fiancee is torn but he and his mother are the only ones who has a relationship with these kids. Aside from his very close family and friends, most of our wedding guests (including my entire family) are not aware they exist. Please help!

[Etiquette Now]

Dear Octobride,

Yes, it is in poor taste not to invite all of your/his children to your wedding. They may not realize that you two are getting married right now, but they will later. And, they will know that their older siblings were invited but not them. This is not polite.

Best wishes,

[Yvonne - Blended Families]

Beyond poor etiquette, I think you have a situation here that really requires more consideration and exploration before you proceed with planning the wedding on any level. Even if these children don't live with you full or part-time, they are his children and will be involved with him on some level for the rest of his life and they can only remain a secret for so long. I would want this secret to come out before I made a decision to join my life with this person - if there's going to be any fall-out from this you want to deal with it before you get married so you can assess this total situation for what it is.

There are enough challenges in life and in family and especially in second marriages with children, without the added complexity of children who are not being acknowledged fully for who they are. I'm not sure why this is the case, and can't explore that here, but if you are preparing to be a stepmother to this group of 4 and I was working with you in the pre-remarriage phase, I would want you to work through all of this before even considering the next step. If this means slowing things down and taking some time to figure out what is best for the kids, then do it.

We advice people to get to know each other, date and then introduce the kids to mom or dad's new dating partner, then take a few more months to get to know each other and form relationships even before you get engaged and even then take even more time together as a couple and stepfamily before getting married, to ensure the best possible outcomes and the least resistance on the parts of the children. I think you willl seriously run the risk of creating problems in the short and long-term that could sabotage any kind of relationships with these children as their new stepparent, if this is not dealt with now and before the wedding.

[Wedding Queen and MOG]

All of the above is great advice and information for any step parent. I'd like to add that excluding these particular kids could only further inflame a probably bad relationshop between the mother and your future husband.