[robot5]

My husband's son has decided to exclude me from the guest list of his upcoming wedding. I cannot help but assume that the ex-wife is behind this. The son expects his father to pay half the rehearsal dinner costs, but doesn't grasp the concept that I am contributing financially as well. I cannot help but feel that it is wrong to expect this under the circumstances. (Especially when he and his fiancee have more "free money" than we do.) I have considered not attending, but do not feel comfortable with the idea of the ex-wife being around my husband when she drinks. (She still has feelings for him.) I have imagined the discomfort of attending... and the possible confrontation by the ex and her family.

I feel like I am in a lose/lose situation.

[Wedding Queen and MOG]

I'm sorry this family situation is causing you distress.

The father isn't obligated to pay for anything. So, if he is unhappy with his son's decision to exclude his wife (which, in most circumstances, is in poor taste) he can simply tell his son that he will not be hosting any portion of the wedding.
I'm confused about why you're considering attending since you are apparently not invited.

[Etiquette Now]

Dear Robot,

I agree that it appears that you are in a no win situation. I'm sorry.

You and your husband are under no obligatation to host the rehearsal dinner or contribute in any way. And, it is best if your husband, personally, informs his son why you two are doing so. It is true that if he contributes, you are too and should be invited at that point. However, if you feel that they just might cause a scene, it might be better not to attend even if you were invited.

Your husband can avoid his wife at the wedding and reception even if his ex wants to be around him. He can decline sitting in the front row (third row is best) and any dances.

Best wishes,

[Yvonne - Blended Families]

Regardless of whether it's appropriate for you to be invited or not, you can make a choice to not let this become a bigger problem for you and your husband than it has to be. You have not been invited, so if you're only reason for wanting to be there is to make sure your husband's ex does not act innappropriately, then discuss some of the suggestions mentioned in terms of him keeping his distance, and then trust that he will handle it the best way he can.

In stepfamilies, there are many messy situation like these and it's not usully about finding the perfect solution but about picking your best option out of ones that aren't necessarily great to begin with. Let's face it, these situaiton do cause discomfort for everyone and no one would have wished that things would be this complicated, especially on the wedding day of a child. So everyone is feeling a little put out that they have to deal with any of this, and obviously your stepson has decided that the only way to keep things simple is to exclude you. Is that fair - not really, but much of what happens in stepfamilies is not what people would choose for themselves, so they often justify decisions like this because they feel that is is their right. Ie. if I can't have my parents together on my wedding day the way it was "supposed to be" then at least I don't want to have my dad's new partner there. That is how the thinking can sometimes go and I can understand that from working with a lot of children of divorce. Taht's not to take away from your position in this, but just to shine some light on the realities that everyone is experiencing to some degree.

So don't contribute financially, as you obviously don't have a role in the family at this point, so your role should not be reduced to monetary responsibility. Then get to work on accepting the fact that your partner had a former life that includes a son that is going to get married, and he will not be missing that event, even if he does have to attend on his own. I know this is difficult and we'd like everything to be different, but that's one thing you have in common with your stepson and even his mother - they too wish things were different and don't necessarily like the cards that they were dealt.

My goal this year in working with stepfamilies, of which I've been a part of for almost 16 years now, it helping people to deal with the problems as quickly and expediently as possible, so they can then get back to the relationships that are most important to them, and focus on why they are in this in the first place. Best of Luck !!