[Meg91]

So I've done research on the etiquette of this, including reading numerous numerous posts on this website. But even still, I don't feel right.

My fiance and I we planning to get married after college before we enter the military. However, we found out that in order to apply for the program that allows us to get put together in the same location, we must be married. This paperwork gets sent in this September beginning our senior year, aka in 4 months. Let me tell you that this certainly was a shock.

We have now talked about getting married by the judge, and then having a "white wedding", if you will, in June after graduation like we originally planned.

Of course, our parents know about this decision and support it because we want to get married and be together in the military. We will do whatever it takes to be together, and essentially, there is a big chance we will be separated if we do not complete this paperwork. We never ever planned on living together, changing names, wearing rings, or even acting in any way that we were married. Not to keep it a secret or anything, but to us, the whole ceremonial process of the "big day" was almost more special than the actual legality of it all. Of course we realize that it is a real and legal marriage in every way, but hopefully you understand how important all the traditional wedding day activities are to us.

I never thought twice about this, until i saw numerous posts about "deceitfulness" "lying to your guests" "tacky" and "improper".

My biggest problem is the posts that I've read about it being "improper" to go through with traditional activities like the white dress, exchanging vows, first dance, etc. These are all things that I absolutely want to do with my future husband, and I feel that it's unfair that this would be considered improper simply because the government is making us fill out paperwork earlier than we originally planned to. We absolutely want to get married, but we also want to do it how we always dreamed. This just is impossible with the timing of the military.

If I disclose to my guests that yes, we are legally married, are we still justified in having all the ceremonial "frills" like a normal wedding?

I've learned that we could address invitations as follows:

The honor of your presence
is requested at a wedding celebration for
Mr. and Mrs. John Doe [or "Jane and John Doe"]

Is this sufficient disclosure for my guests?

Thank you for the responses, and I'm sorry if it's repetitive, but I just haven't been able to find the complete answers I need.

This post has been edited by TWQadmin: 02 May 2025 - 09:15 AM

[Wedding Queen and MOG]

First, I'd like to thank you and your husband, in advance, for your service and sacrifice for our country.

However, there's nothing different here. [:/] Once you're married, you're married. You really cannot have another ceremony, no matter what the "first" ceremony was like since that "ceremony" will bind you as husband and wife and you'll be living together as such. So, to go on and walk down the aisle and exchange vows and all of that wouldn't seem right. (Also - the military isn't forcing your hand, they are giving you choices. The choice is yours to make)

These are your best options:
1. Get married now in the ceremony/wedding you really want with as many of the trimmings as you can have.
2. Get married now without all the frills and host a wedding reception within one year.
3. Host a vow renewal later on, maybe after your service has been completed or, if you're intending to have a military career, then at some special time during your marriage.

To send an invitation worded the way you've worded it here would be saying to the recipient that Mr. and Mrs. Already Married are inviting you to witness them getting married, which isn't the case. If you decide to host a reception later in the year, then you can send out a reception invitation that would be worded very similarly with a small change:
The pleasure of your company
is requested at a wedding reception for
Mr. and Mrs. John Doe [or "Jane and John Doe"]

(The honour of your presence wording is reserved for formal ceremonies usually taking place in a house of worship.)

I hope this serves to clarify things fr you. Of course, there are no etiquette police to arrest you for hosting an improper event, so it's a personal choice. However, you've asked for our opinion based on what modern etiquette professional say and that's the advice we offer.

Best of luck in the military and be safe.[;)]

[Ohio Wedding Planner]

I got ready to get started with my answer, and I see that it has already been posted. While I understand that "situation" may be different, there is not a change in etiquette. Regardless of why you are choosing to get married in advance (and in this case it is one of the better reasons) it is still a choice you are making and the rules still apply.

I agree though, you are welcome to do whatever fits for you as a couple with your situation, however you came to an etiquette site and that is what the answer will be in reference to. With that being said, your guests may be willing to overlook a few etiquette rules being broken given your "situation." Again though, it is still the same.

This post has been edited by TWQadmin: 03 May 2025 - 09:12 AM

[Etiquette Now]

Great advice and I couldn't agree more.

It really would be best if you hosted your wedding now or a reception within a year. The reception could be a very nice formal party.

This post has been edited by Etiquette Now: 05 May 2025 - 04:11 PM

[Meg91]

thank you all for you advice, it cleared things up for me
although it might not be what i'd like, i'm glad to know the proper etiquette behind the situation.

thanks again!

[Wedding Queen and MOG]

Best of luck to the pair of you.