[sleeper]

My friend is getting married and my mother and I wanted to throw her a shower. I was unsure about gifts, so I casually asked the bride to be if she had a "Shower Registry" as well as a "Wedding Registry". She informed me that the gifts she registered for in her "Wedding Registry" are for her Bridal Shower. So then I asked her what people were supposed to get her for her wedding, and she said "cash".

I was floored. When I questioned the issue further I was told by both the bride and groom that the wedding registry gifts are only meant for the bridal shower, and that at the wedding itself, all the guests should give enough money to cover their plate, NOT a gift from the wedding registry.

Am I out of the loop here? They assured me that at all the weddings they've been to, it's expected that cash is given at the reception, and if a wedding registry gift is chosen instead of cash it is considered bad form.

Please enlighten me. I consider myself a bright woman, but I have never been more blindsided by a comment than when my friend and her fiance both told me that giving a wedding gift selected from the couple's own wedding registry would be considered a "bad gift".

[Wedding Queen and MOG]

Don't question your intuition here. You're correct. The notion of "covering the cost of the plate" makes no sense since guests won't (shouldn't) know what the host is paying for their meal.

The wedding registry is set up so that guests to the shower and the wedding have ideas about what the couple may like. It's a suggestion - period. Choose a gift based on your relationship with the couple and your pocketbook. It is not bad form to send a gift to the home of the bride before the wedding - it is proper. That can be read in any wedding etiquette book. (I know that on the coasts - where I am originally from - many guests do bring envelopes of cash. However, that choice is up to the guest. Personally I hate the cash or gift card gift. I love seeing what someone would choose for me, which I think it the idea behind gifts).

I wish people would get over this notion that wedding gifts should cover the cost of hosting the wedding or bring the bride and groom some sort of cash landslide. Weddings are simply a way for the bride and groom to thank their guests for coming to witness their exchange of vows. Guests aren't thanking the couple for hosting them at a reception. If it were not for the guests attending the wedding there would be no reception.

Make sense? I believe so and so do many etiquette experts like Miss Manners.

For the shower, the gift is usually a less expensive present than the wedding gift.

I hope this helps,

[Ohio Wedding Planner]

I couldn't agree more with the previous answer. I am only posting to reassure you that MANY people are in agreement that it is tacky to ask for "cash" and in NO way should people be under any type of pressure to "pay" for their meal by giving cash of an equal value. I think if people were given that option on the invite they might just decline coming. There is no reason to require your guests to give anything at all. By inviting them you are asking them to be a part of a wonderful day of your life, NOT to supply your bank account with money or even to fill your home with china, JUST to share in your special day.
I wish your friend lots of luck with her wedding. She will be very disappointed during the card opening process when she realizes that no one, besides herself was aware to give (a gift in the amount of) as much as their plate cost.

[Nancy Tucker]

I can't believe it but we may have to define the word "Guest" here. Your invited "guest" is to be treated by you, not to pay you to be there.

[Etiquette Now]

Great advice all around! The idea of a guest having to cover the cost of a plate is like charging admission to the reception. It doesn't make any sense and is very impolite.

Bad form?? Crazy. [shocked]