[sunnyoklahoma]

I have a stepdaughter daughter that is 25 who is getting married. The bride's mother passed away when she was 4 or 5 years old and was raised by my husband, her father. We have been ask to pay for the wedding and reception yet I have been told I am being invited as just an "attendee". My husband and I have been in futal arguments over this problem and I need some help with the solution. As an "attendee" I will be seated any where in the church, not with my husband, not included in pictures and not included in the wedding party. Additionally the wedding invitations where sent out with just her father's name not even addressing him as Dr. which he is. At this point I am just simply refusing to go because I feel embarrassed because it appears if he has no wife. The invitation also did not include my daughter who is 16 and lives with my husband and I. In this situation what is the correct thing to do? We will be paying for the wedding but I believe I should not be treated as an "attendee".Please help.

[Etiquette Now]

Dear Stepmother,

I realize that there is always more than one side of a story. But, I have only this side. So, my response is based on what you have written.

This situation is unfortunate, but not entirely incorrect--just very hurtful. Because you are a stepmother, you could be considered as guest and not part of the bridal party. This is true. However, if your husband was listed on the invitation, you should have been too (you contributed) and you should be seated with your husband. You are his wife and should be treated as such (spouses are seated together). Your daughter didn't have to be invited, but it would have been a very good gesture, especially since you and your husband are hosting the wedding.

The couple shouldn't have requested that you pay for the wedding. None of the parents are obligated to do so. So, this was a gift. The couple can now do what they wish with that money. It is just so unfortunate that they weren't considerate enough to realize that you two are married and what your husband gives, you do too. You are a major donor to the wedding and should be treated with more respect.

Now that all that is said, it may be best to find out if you really are not being seated with your husband. This might not be the case. The couple just may not know what is proper and may not know how to relay any of the particulars to your husband. This is evident by their omission of your husband's title.

Best wishes,

[Wedding Queen and MOG]

I agree with Rebecca. A husband and wife should be seated together.