[susieq2]

I am the step-mother of the bride, married to the brides father. I’ve been married to the bride’s father since she was five and we have a very good relationship. On the other hand, we do not have a good relationship with the brides mother and step father but make sure we all get along when we're together. By her own choice, the bride's mother is not involved with any of the wedding plans and the bride has asked me to help her with all the plans, even leaving many of the decisions with me. With the exception of the rehearsal dinner, my husband and I alone are paying for the entire wedding. We are generally not selfish or petty people but the lack of the mothers interest has infuriated us. The mother of the bride has yet to even congratulate her daughter on her engagement and doesn't even ask about her plans. The wedding is going to be a grand affair and we would like it to be subtlety known who is hosting. Yes, I know this does make us a somewhat petty, but it's the principal.

My question is this: How do we word the invitations to show my husband and I are the hosts and also how do we plan the seating at the ceremony?

[Etiquette Now]

Dear Susie,

The couple decides how to address their invitations. They decide if your names are listed as host (first names listed). The bride may wish to list her mother's name first out of tradition. But, it would be fairer to list your names first and her mother's name under hers as "also the daughter of...". Again, this is her choice. The invitation really shouldn't shout out to guests who paid for the wedding. It basically should covey who is marrying and may also convey who is proud to be acting as host.

The seating is their choice as well. Even though you two paid for the wedding, it is traditional for the mother to sit in the front row, nearest the aisle, with the father in the third row if divorced and there are issues. However, all of you could sit in the front row since all of you are civil with each other. The couple may choose to seat you and your husband closest to the aisle though. It is her choice.

Best wishes,

[Wedding Queen and MOG]

Who knows why her mother is acting this way. Perhaps you should encourage your stepdaughter to speak to her mother if the bride feels slighted. But why stoop to her level? Be the great role model your step daughter seems to need and be above all of that petty stuff. It's really the bride's mother's (and the bride's) loss.

[susieq2]

Thank you both very much. I am proud of our daughter and that we have the ability to afford her the wedding of her dreams. I do get overwhelmed with emotions from listening to her and what her other family wants along with their refusal to assist her. In a million years I would never let her know how her mothers lack of involvement makes me feel. I need to remember to take deep breaths and remember who this is all for. Thanks for helping and for letting me "vent."

[Wedding Queen and MOG]

You're a terrific mom. Feel free to vent with us anytime - as long as you remain anonymous.