[M&T4ever]

I have recently gotten engaged to a wonderful Native American man, and we have decided to have a 2 1/2 year engagement so Aug-September 2012! But do to religious/ family expectations we have to have 3 weddings. The traditional Native wedding, in which I will be in full Native American regalia, The small christian ceremony (for my family who are more conservative), and a final Pagan ceremony for me. We don't want to spend more than 8-10,000 on all three! I have been lucky enough to cut corners, My Aunt is a professional wedding cake designer and has offered us a deep discount, my friend from high school offered his band to play the ceremony (the wedding march by a metal band sounds so fun!!!!) My M.O.H. and I both sew very well so we are considering make all the dresses ourselves. The Native and Pagan ceremonies are pot lucks as per tradition, but I don't know where to cut more costs, I'm keeping the guest list under 100 (which is no small feat) and my mom is letting us use her karaoke equipment. I have several cosmetologists in the family but I'm afraid to ask them (all the other stuff was offered). Is it bad manners to ask since neither of our families can help monetarily? And we cant even agree on a state,my family is in the Midwest his New England. Please help!

[Etiquette Now]

Dear M&T,

It is best to wait for people to offer to assist rather to ask. Sorry.

Other advice: To have 3 weddings, is 2 too many. When you are married, you are. So, it is best to choose the ceremony that best suits you. However, you can have your marriage blessed by your church for your family. But, this is not a wedding nor does it include any wedding elements. It should be small with only family and perhaps a few very close friends. Many times it is part of the weekly service. Your pagan ceremony could be a symbolic ceremony as well, but shouldn't appear to be a wedding and shouldn't include many guests. It isn't a wedding unless this is the ceremony you choose.

There are many traditions of Native American tribes and for Pagan religions that you are probably going to avoid as they do not relate to your modern life. Reading a bit will give you an idea of those many don't really follow today. So, it is best that if you invite guests, you should be providing all the refreshments and not follow that tradition. It is not polite to invite guests and expect them to provide the party. However, there are communities and groups that do come together for weddings and there is a pot luck. These are not traditional receptions though with music and all the reception trappings. It is basically a get-together after the wedding--very informal and very small.

Best wishes,