[dame_wolf]

First some background: My boyfiend and I are both middle aged and therefore have already aquired everything we need (dishes, pots, pans, etc.). We don't want, need, or have room for anything material. Also, as with many people now, money is tight and so we are having a low cost/budgeted wedding. Last year my cousin was married and they asked for upgrades to their honeymoon in France instead of material gifts. I thought this was a cool idea and they seemed to get a lot of upgrades and have a beautiful honeymoon. We are planning on just going up to my boyfriends family cabin for a week for our honeymoon so really there are no upgrades we could ask for.

Now my question is: Would it be bad to ask for upgrades for our reception instead of gifts? Our wedding is going to be a small intimate family ceremony but we'd like the reception to be large enought to accomodate more of the family and our friends. So we will need more food and drink, I'd like a photographer and a DJ would be fun. Really what we want is like a big family BBQ, something casual that our two families can relax and get to know one another at. So is telling people no gifts but help with the reception instead a bad thing?

[Wedding Queen and MOG]

You won't be able to wait for guests to send their gifts to plan your reception, but that's not really the worst part of this idea. It's just not polite to ask your guests to contribute to a party that you're supposed to be hosting for them. If someone were to offer to help with the wedding reception, that would be a different story. Even the honeymoon regisry is a bit questionable. The jury is still out on whether people think it's a nice idea or in poor taste. The gift registry is just supposed to be a wish list of things the couple might like in order to offer suggestions to those who want or need one. Otherwise, guests shouldn't be asked for any particular kind of gift.

Since you already have everything you need (how wonderful!) I'd sit back and allow your friends and family to gift you with items they think you'll like. Half the fun of getting a gift is opening it and seeing what the giver selected for you. It's often not something you'd buy for yourself, but may find you like it after all. I can't tell you how many times this has happened for me. The, if you get something you really can't use, return it to the store or donate it to a local charity so that maybe someone who doesn't have everything can benefit. How nice.

[Etiquette Now]

Excellent advice. Requesting and/or expecting guests to contribute to a party is viewed as very poor behavior. Our guests should never be asked to open their wallets. And, to be honest, asking for any type of "upgrades" is not polite. If you are asked, you could tell your guests that you don't need anything. If they continue with their questioning, you could state that you wouldn't mind assistance with the reception. But, this assistance shouldn't be to upgrade anything or to provide much more than time. Of course as the Wedding Queen suggests, if someone offers to provide something like a dessert, it is fine to accept it. It is a gift. But, this shouldn't turn into a pot luck (very negative). You are the host and should provide the party.