[NDMcG]

I just got engaged over the weekend but I am already attempting to run through in my head who I would want as my bridesmaids. I always am worried about hurting people's feelings and this of course is yet another situation where I know someone's feelings will be hurt. I have two cousins (one is already married and has 3 about to be 4 children and one who is single). I really would like to have my single cousin be in the wedding as we have really grown closer over the years. However, I am hesitant to have my other cousin in the wedding due to several reasons. First, she is going to have 4 children at the time of the wedding all under the age of 5. Second, she lives in another state. And finally, although we were roommates in college and I was in her wedding we have grown more distant over the years. Is it completely inappropriate to have one cousin but not the other? If not how would you go about telling her she will not be in the wedding?


Thanks!

[Etiquette Now]

You should choose only those close to you. So, it is appropriate to choose one cousin over another. You could tell the unchosen cousin that you didn't want to overwelm her since she has young children and she is out of state. I would imagine that this is one of your reasons anyway.

But, please do not ask anyone until you know exactly what type of wedding you will have, how many guests, and how formal it will be. All of these factors will determine how many attendants you will have.

[Wedding Queen and MOG]

Since you just got engaged you should wait a bit to decide who will be in your bridal party (unless the wedding is in a couple of months). First decide how many guests you'll have and the level of formality so that you know how many bridesmaids, groomsmen and ushers you'll actually need. I don't think there is any need to feel compelled to ask your married cousin to be a bridesmaid just because you were a member of her bridal party. Every wedding is different. Though, some people do have the unfounded notion that if they were asked to be a bridesmaid then the favor must be reciprocated. Only you know if your married cousin will feel this way. If so, then perhaps you can explain with reasons you suggested (and possibly that the wedding will be small).I wouldn't shine a spotlight on this dilemma since it could appear as though you feel you're doing something wrong.

This is from Peggy Posts' book Etiquette:

Formal: Bride and groom Select between 4 - 10 attendants (bridesmaids/groomsmen) each.
Semiformal: 2 - 6 attendants each
Informal:1 - 3 attendants

Just choose the ladies you are close with now and with whom you think you'll have a lasting relationship. Who knows...maybe the married cousin wilbe relieved that she doesn't have to buy a dress and find babysitting. :)

Take your time deciding and have fun planning.