[CaseyJo]

My parents got divorced a few years ago and it was a very ugly situation leaving many of the family members not speaking to each other.

I have since had very little contact with my father (things went beyond horrible during the divorce and our relationship has never been the same again although in recent years we have begun to talk amicably at family functions.)

I am now engaged and would ideally like to have my entire family at the wedding, (stepfather and his children included) but fear that there will be confrontations. The wedding itself isn't such a huge deal because I plan to walk myself down the aisle, and it will be a quick ceremony. It is the reception I worry about. In the thick of the divorce my father threatened the lives of my stepfather's children, and while I do think my father would act appropriately (because in recent years he has become much more civil and understanding) I am almost positive my brother would say something, or do something to my mother, which would then cause her to leave.

I have no idea how to have these people in the same room, and I don't know how to not invite someone, because I am actually pretty close with all of these people. If I didn't invite someone from my dad's side of the family I would never live it down. I feel as though I cannot properly address my situation in all of its intricacies here. I know in the end it is my responsibility and right to invite or not invite the people I choose, but understand if I invite my brother and father I am certain there will be unrest. If I don't invite them I would effectively be unable to invite the extended portions of that side of the family and would also be sealing my fate for them to essentially disown me for a long time. It is tricky because in spite of all this, I have worked hard to re-establish the relationships I currently have with them.

One note... I am adamant that my mother and stepfather be at my wedding. That is a non-negotiable.

Thank you so very much for your time, and if I have stepped on the toes of other posts which I should have read, please know I spent a great deal of time reading many other posts on this wonderful website for related topics and in no way intend to waste your time. It is so greatly appreciated/needed. Thank you.

[DennyandKay]

Believe it or not, this is a touchy subject that is not at all uncommon. One of the first things to do is make this a matter of sincere prayer. God is the source of all wisdom and He will guide you if you ask Him.

There are a couple of things you might consider. One is not to have an open bar at your reception. Liquor has the tendency to persuade people to do things they otherwise would not. A champagne toast would certainly be in order, but if you're concerned about people making a scene, our advice is to not provide the encouragement.

The other thing to consider is that the people you're inviting are adults and it is their responsibility to act that way. It is not up to you to smoothe the way for them while ruining your own special day. If they can't behave and respect your wedding day, it shows their own immaturity and it's not your fault. You might invite a couple of plainclothes police if you fear the worst!

You could also have two small receptions, one for each side of the family. That's a bit extreme but if you are seriously concerned for the lives of those previously threatened, it may be an answer.

You have an entire year to pray and plan and work on relationships. May God guide you in His love and wisdom.

[CaseyJo]

I thank you for your response, and the two reception idea is on the table, but I was wondering if there might be any more concrete advice from a secular perspective? Thanks a million.

[Etiquette Now]

Dear CaseyJo,

I have a bit different slant to this, as I tend to focus on what would upset or make guests most uncomfortable. So, that being said, you mentioned that your father and brother tend to be vocal with your father verbally abusive in the past--referring to murdering family members. So, if they are the problem, it might be best to eliminate them from the guest list. I know this is difficult and not very nice, but for the people most important to you, it might be the best answer. This wouldn't mean that you couldn't invite his side of the family who are behaving politely and who are known for being cordial.

If you decide to do this, it might be best to discuss it with both your father and brother before taking action, letting them know why you have come to this conclusion. They pose a threat to your mother and her husband, so... . If they were to assure you that they can behave, then you'd have the same decision to make all over again: invite and hope, or not to invite at all.

Now, the alternative is to invite both of them, after, of course, discussing your expectations. If that is the case, I agree that a plain clothes, off duty police officer might be a good idea.

There is a huge difference between being polite and being safe sometimes. This may be one of those times, if I've read this correctly. So, if ever in doubt, it is best to go the safe route. It is much better for your sanity and much better for guests if they are part of the picture, which is the case here.

Please let me know if any of this is confusing or if you need extra advice. Of course, there are more qualified people who can assist you with issues other than etiquette. But, I'm here if you need me. :)

[CaseyJo]

Thank you so much for your response. In the end, I guess it is going to come down to a really hard decision and some awkward/hard conversations. I just feel like life would be easier if I eloped... except that I really do want to have a wedding day. >< I suppose there is no easy fix to this. I really appreciate your advice!!

[Wedding Queen and MOG]

I was going to suggest eloping, but I hesitate to offer that as an option since I'm a mother and I'm sensitive to that option. I'd really be disappointed if I couldn't witness another of my child's milestone moments. But I understand why some couples choose to elope. Sometimes it just makes sense. But, if like you, the bride is going to regret the decision then it's best to try to make the wedding work as suggested. We get posts about those regrets all too often.

Having a trained bodyguard or security officer is a really good idea. Consider a man and woman team if you think you'll have issues with any ladies.

Please come back and let us know how you worked this out.

I'm sorry you're having this problem but glad that you have been able to grow up from that situation and find the love of your life. Happy wedding!