[sybaris]

Need advice on a tactful way to handle my daughters MIL-to-Be.

Since the engagement she has thrown tradition and etiquette to the wind. She has picked out and arranged an on-site survey of what I call a wedding factory (packaged deals and setting). She is picking out the colors and arranged for my daughter to visit a bridal shop for dress selection. She has stated that she will, “empty her bank account to have the best wedding for her baby (son)”.

The problem is two-fold. 1. I live 6 hours away and my daughter lives a half hour away from her fiancé and his mother. It’s not that I cannot be involved, it’s just that my involvement has to be more rigorously coordinated due to the distance. 2. My daughter is very impressionable and does not want to hurt anyones feelings so she has a rather difficult time in conveying to MIL-to-Be that she would rather go the traditional route and have the brides family take care of the brides planning and duties and the grooms family do the same for the groom.

I think however the writing is on the wall and this woman is going to be hip deep in the marriage from day one. I have tried to convey to my daughter that her fiance’s mother has her DIL role all planned out for her but it’s hard to get through to a 24yo.

Help!

[Wedding Queen and MOG]

I was a MOG recently and the wedding took place hours from where I live too, so I feel for both of you, as mothers. We all love our children and want the best for them. Some of us may get a little too excited, though!

The wedding should be planned by the couple, not the mothers, no matter who is paying. If the MOG wants to be involved, and the couple wants her involved, then she should be involved. Same for you, mom.

It's difficult to watch, but all you can do is suggest and encourage your daughter to do what is in her heart. It's their wedding and marriage, after all. If your daughter wants to do the typical wedding stuff with her mom alone, then encourage her to speak up politely, yet firmly. Maybe there can be a group shopping trip for dresses, but leave the gown shopping for mom and bride alone. Find ways to involve MOG in things that may not be as important to the two of you like maybe cake tasting or the groom's attire. If they feel as though the MOG is trying to buy her way into the wedding planning then maybe the groom needs to have a heart-to-heart with his mother explaining how the couple sees her role. And, the couple can certainly turn down her generous offer so as not to feel like she has control.

Perhaps there should be some sort of meeting to discuss the wedding?

[Makeup Expert]

Excellent advice from the Forum Moderator! To avoid hurting MOG's feelings, never forget to mention how you appreciate her generosity and willingness to help; HOWEVER... etc. With the right amount of diplomacy, you will be able to smooth out the situation!

[Nancy Tucker]

I couldn't agree more with both responses. I did want to add that the groom needs to take the upper hand with his mother. At the very least make sure that he is involved in any conversations about their desires vs MOG. She sounds very strong and will overpower them if they don't stand fast and hard now.

[DennyandKay]

Excellent advice all around. We just want to reinforce the caution about the pushy MIL. We've seen this happen time and time again and it never ends well. If you think it's bad now, wait until the grandkids start arriving.

The Bible states that a man is supposed to leave his parents and become a solid team with his wife. That means putting his wife's needs ahead of his mother's, even if he is her "baby."

As stated above, the son should have a heart-to-heart with his mother about her interfering--but only if the daughter is upset by not being able to plan her own wedding. The mother of the bride, who is definitely upset, should have a prayerful and careful talk with both her daughter and her prospective son-in-law.

Then it is up to the son to decide how to handle his mother. If he chooses to do nothing, that ought to raise a red flag in the daughter's mind because this shows that he will choose his mother's wishes over hers.

It's always wise to talk calmly when problems arise. It's quite possible that MOG is simply overeager, as previously suggested, and doesn't even realize she's acting pushy. A pleasant conversation, using words spoken in love, can defuse tense situations and get everyone in the relationship started off on the right foot.

May God guide you in His infinite wisdom.

[Etiquette Now]

Am I really needed here?? Great advice all around. Bravo ladies!

[Wedding Queen and MOG]

YES! You are needed and adored.