[cristina2]

Hi,

Thank you in advance for reading this. I am trying to plan something like a destination wedding. I have read many posts about the etiquette regarding there is 1 wedding, 1 exchanging of vows. I would like to say thank you for all the etiquette info, because this matters to me. Unfortunately, my maid of honor sees my pending marriage as unconventional and would like me to break the rules. I don't want to offend my guests, and be clear as to what they are attending. Here is my situation:

I am planning to religiously marry in Germany (my fiance is German and living in the US). This is what my fiance and I deem as the "real" wedding date. To clarify, I would prefer to have the legal one AFTER the religious one, as the religious one is the one with meaning since both immediete families will be attending (both immediete families CANNOT attend the US). In addition, his location in Germany CANNOT accomodate all of my family & friends in the US. My parents have NOT met his parents and they do NOT speak the same language. We prefer to keep this small so as to make this introduction possible and easier.

However, the religious marriage is not recognized by any country since Germany does not allow religious officials to officiate the ceremonies. This means that if we marry first in Germany, the state we reside in does not recognize that we have been married. Also, when crossing the border, we are legally single. We plan on legally marrying in the US. After both ceremonies have been performed, then an afterparty in US. To be clear, we don't want the afterparty in the US to be where guests feel like it is a gift-giving event. Everyone knows that the German one is the real deal. I am struggling to understand how to handle this.

Unfortunately, many people would like to see at least the legal version. Here's the confusing question, if I don't allow anyone to see the legal version, many people will be hurt (but it clarifies "after party" as NOT a gift-giving event). On the other hand, if I allow the entire afterparty to see the legal version, then I believe this is what you called a "renewing of vows", which is inappropriate since we are not at a significant anniversary. Should I have the legal version at the afterparty and should I even bother mentioning it on the invites, what would the legal version be called?

Any advise would be appreciated.

[Wedding Queen and MOG]

Maybe I'm missing something, but what church is allowing a "religious only" ceremony without a marriage license and legalities attached and why can't you do both at the same time? :huh:

[Etiquette Now]

I understand that in some countries, the religious ceremony is not legal and is typically the ceremony guests are invited to attend. However, to be done properly and polite, the couple signs legal papers and is legally married beforehand. It is basically a legal document signing and then the couple sanctifies their vows in church. It is common in these countries to treat this ceremony as the wedding. There are no other weddings other than the religious ceremony. I'm not sure if Germany is one of these countries, but fairly sure it is since they do not allow religious figures to legally marry couples. The biggy in all of this is that the legal wedding is just a signing of papers, no guests, no wedding elements. Then the ceremony begins in the church. It is somewhat like the fact that we need a marriage licence before we can marry. Similar, but different.

Now, if you wanted to host your real wedding, which is the ceremony where you are legally married, then you could have your marriage blessed in the church afterward. This is the American version and could still be done properly in Germany. Of course, that would mean going back to Germany for a small intimate family only religious ceremony. There is no wedding attire, just a ceremony to bless your marriage in the church.

So, it is best to choose the etiquette you wish to follow: that which is followed in Germany or here. To break the rules of both would be confusing. Guests to pretend weddings know they are watching something that isn't real.

Your after party, which is basically a belated wedding reception is fine. You could invite all these guests to a wedding. However, inviting them to a vow renewal wouldn't be appropriate since you have nothing to renew. Some celebrities have done this and have been laughed at--not pretty.

If you wait to legally marry here in the US, it is not a vow renewal. It is a wedding. This is something you can invite guests to. However, it really wouldn't be polite to host two wedding-like events. It is a bit strange and illogical. It could appear as a major gift grab too since the wedding is the gift giving event. So, plan carefully.

[Wedding Queen and MOG]

That is very good, and detailed, advice. Thank you, Rebecca. makes sense.

[cristina2]

Thank you for such a detailed response!! If I might, I would like to briefly summarize to make sure I understand correctly:

"I understand that in some countries, the religious ceremony is not legal and is typically the ceremony guests are invited to attend. However, to be done properly and polite, the couple signs legal papers and is legally married beforehand..."

You are correct, this is Germany as a result of a law that had been in effect for several years (the law is no longer in effect, but some churches still require the legal ceremony first)

"Now, if you wanted to host your real wedding, which is the ceremony where you are legally married, then you could have your marriage blessed in the church afterward...."

Clearly, the "real wedding" is whichever is the first ceremony, regardless of in church or not.

"So, it is best to choose the etiquette you wish to follow: that which is followed in Germany or here. To break the rules of both would be confusing. Guests to pretend weddings know they are watching something that isn't real..."

Either I should do:
1)German way: quietly sign papers, legally marry, but invite those to the "religious ceremony"
2)American way: legally marry, sanctify later.
But I should NOT
3)celebrate both legal and religious if they are not on the same day (explains all the confusion)

"...So, plan carefully."
Brilliant.

[Etiquette Now]

By George I think you have it! :)