[BGreen]

Please let me know if my question has already been asked. I've searched through the postings and may have skipped over it...

My fiancée and I are planning a wedding in Italy for June and we were hoping to have an intimate ceremony with only parents, brother, and sister (for a total of 8). We then plan to have a Meet and Greet after-wards where friends and family are invited. Her father (who is paying for the event) has invited 6 other people (3 colleagues of his and their wives) to the ceremony without our full consent.

Without going into full details, here is how each party wanted to handle the invitations:

Her Parents (my in-laws):
Want to send invitations to friends and family 6-8 weeks before the ceremony and invite them to attend. They feel that people should be sent an invitation to feel included.

My fiancée and l:
Want to send a announcement/invitation 6-8 weeks before the ceremony asking people "Please join us in prayer on..." or send an announcement after the ceremony. We feel that we should not send invitations to a wedding we expect to be an intimate one (as stated above).

In each case those who would receive an invitation or announcement would receive an invitation to the Meet and Greet. When our idea was presented, her parents said they support our decision but are disappointed with it. We just want to do what is correct...

My questions:
What is the proper way to handle invitations for an intimate ceremony (immediate family only) abroad with an event in the States where everyone is invited two months after-wards?

Thank you for your time, this is a great site!

[Etiquette Now]

Dear BGreen,

You might not have recognized the many posts concerning these topics, but they have been covered many times. Your details are very specific. But even with these details, the rules are still the same.

Announcements are sent out after the wedding. We never, ever send these out to those not invited to the wedding beforehand. It isn't polite--actually insulting. Announcements should not be confused with invitations, which only do one thing: invite. Announcements are not sent to anyone who is invited to either the wedding or reception (any type of reception). Invitations are sent to those invited to the wedding and/or reception. Wedding guests are chosen by the couple, but often couples allow parents to invite those close to them. This is optional, but nice especially if parents are paying for the wedding. (Parents are no longer financially responsible for wedding costs)

So the answer to your question: Those who are invited to your wedding are a very small group. There is no need to worry much about them knowing about the wedding or the event at home. If you want to send formal invitations to these very few guests, send them 2 months before your wedding. Then, you would send invitations to wedding guests and all others invited to the reception 6 to 8 weeks before that event. Announcements are sent to those not invited to either event directly after the wedding. Only send these out to those who absolutely need to know because these can be viewed as a plea for gifts even though there is no gift obligation.

Also, (off topic) please note that there should be no shower since your wedding doesn't involve many guests. Only those invited to the wedding may be invited to any prewedding event.

Best wishes,