[curious 8]

I was at a bridal shower for a friend and sitting with a mother and bride of a different wedding that I'm invited to. The mother asked the people at the table if they had sent in their RSVP cards to her daughters wedding. I responsed yes we were coming and then I added were there RSVP cards in the invitation and the bride said yes. Then the mother said to the bride (softly) that we weren't on that list! The weird thing was that the mother was talking about wedding etiquette before this happened. Example: That if someone was invited to the bridal shower (which I was) has to be invited to the wedding. My husband doesn't want to go! I'm researching it on the web to find out if this is the new thing to have two receptions. I found your website and I couldn't believe that there was something on this subject. You are right, people's feelings get hurt and it was the mother of the bride who let it slip out that there were two receptions! It's not the brides fault that her mother let it slip. I'm just curious what I should do? There are two options that I can see. 1. Go to the wedding and the Hors D'oeuvre receptions or send a card with our regrets that we can't attend. Please advise.

[Wedding Queen and MOG]

I'm not sure if I understood this correctly so let me clarify.

You were a bridal shower guest of a wedding to which you were invited. The bride and her mom made mention of another wedding, to which you were also invited to their bridal shower but not to the wedding?

[curious 8]

Sorry that it's confusing! There are two different showers and two different weddings. Yes, I'm invited to both weddings. I quess my question is, what do you do when you are invited to the wedding and you know that there are two receptions for the same wedding. One for family and some friends and one for everyone else. (the mother let it slip that we weren't on the dinner reception list). it became problematic for me because she was talking about wedding etiquette before she let it slip that there were two receptions. My husband doesn't want to go to the wedding. I don't know if times have changed and its the new thing now to have two receptions at a wedding. Please advise on 21st century etiquette for this situation!

[Wedding Queen and MOG]

That makes thing clearer, thank you. I'm sorry they hurt you.

No, times haven't changed. We still need to care about our guests' feelings. This is why there should never be two levels of receptions. As you have been on the receiving end, you understand why this should never happen. But, what to do about it?

Discuss this with your husband and come to a conclusion based on how you feel about the wedding couple. If it would pain you to miss their big day then, by all means, attend the wedding. You could skip the reception if you like or skip the entire event. I guess it all depends on your relationship with the couple and how strongly you feel about how you've been treated.
Please let us know how this works out for you.

[Jacqueline]

It's a puzzle as to why people do things. Planning a wedding should include the couples style and ideas, but having 2 receptions is not a norm. Based on the relationship with the couple, as the Moderator mentioned, you could either attend the ceremony or the ceremony/reception.

[Etiquette Now]

Wow! And, she was discussing etiquette? Jeez. I'm so sorry. This is a big problem of which I'm seeing quite a bit. There are many people who dictate what they think is proper etiquette for situations based on their needs and pay little attention to how it affects others. I'm sorry this has happened, but am very glad you shared it with us. Hopefully others will read this and realize that their guests to the "limited" second reception and are hurt. People do find out.

The Golden Rule for Hosts: All wedding guests should be invited to the entire reception. This reception should not be separated into two segments--the dinner for those special guests and the hors D'oeuvre segment for the second tier guest. It is insulting.