[Manikmarie]

My wedding is over a year away, and I am already worried something will go wrong. My biggest problem is my future sister-in-law. To put it in the best way I know how, My fiance is absolutely wonderful. The way I explain to people about his family is he's like the perfect apple. Yeah, it has a few dents, but its still perfect. And this perfect apple, fell from a rotten tree. His sister is into drugs and drinks way too much. If it were up to my groom, his sister would not be invited. I know if she is not invited it will cause a rift between my groom and his mother (who already have a rocky relationship). I just don't know what to do. A large part of me is hoping that she is in jail during the wedding. The only good thing that I can think of is some of our friends are cops (some of whom have arrested the sister) and she might not act up if she sees them.

What can I do? or just need someone to calm me down.

[Etiquette Now]

Dear Manikmarie,

You and your groom have every right to exclude someone who is prone to substance abuse, no matter who the person is. However, this is a personal decision you two will have to make for yourselves. If you and your fiancé decide to exclude her, then he should discuss this with his mother privately letting her know the reason. It's a very good reason.

If you decide that she should be invited, it may be prudent to ask your police friends to be ready. Or, you could hire an off duty police officer to make sure no one gets crazy.

Good luck with this!

[Yvonne - Blended Families]

I would agree with the advice given. If you do decide that the relationship costs are too high to exclude her, you need a plan to deal with this before hand. Your fiance could even explain to his mother that should anything happen that would require her to be escorted out of the event, that you would be prepared to do that. It might be better to have someone else rather than friends of family to be there (plain clothers of course) to be prepared to pre-empt or deal with anything unruly, so not to set up a situation where it appears to be "your side" against her or her family. If it becomes personal the ripple effect could be as bad as whatever happens.

As for preparing yourself mentally, and your fiance, I just think that you need to watch for thoughts of I don't deserve this, why us, why should we have to deal with this which only perpetuate more anxiety and anger when what you really want to be focusing on is your wedding and your great lives together. In family we all have to take the good with the bad, even on special days. It's not pleasant, but it sounds like your future sister-in-law's life is not one to be envied and yes, her drama does impinge on you and your fiance in ways that you wish it didn't, but that's her life and the intersection between hers and your doesn't have to be disastrous. It is what it is and you are doing everything you can do to mimimize the impact. So feel good about that, get back to planning all the other pleasant stuff, and roll with it. Guaranteed, it will help you enjoy things better.

Yvonne