[Cupcakes]

I have a bit of a dilemma regarding the "mother of the bride" role. I was basically raised by my father and grandparents, and I am especially close to my grandmother, who considers me more of a daughter than a granddaughter, and I consider her more of a mother. However, when I was 12 my father remarried, and while I am on okay terms with my stepmother now, while I was growing up she was extremely verbally and emotionally abusive and while I don't exactly hold a grudge, I don't think of her as a mother figure in any way.

My fiance and I wish to include our fathers and his mother in part of the ceremony- something like the unity candle sort of thing- and I would like my grandmother to be a part of it as well. I know she will be hurt if she is not included. My stepmother, however, is less likely to be hurt than to make a scene and I don't want to create drama with her or my father, but I really feel like including her would make the whole thing less meaningful to the people who really did raise us and take care of us.

I feel that my grandmother deserves more than anyone to be given the honors usually given to the mother of the bride. We considered creating a special role for the grandmothers, but my fiance is not close with either of his and I feel like that would diminish my grandma's special honor for raising me and being there for me through everything.

My grandmother will be the one helping me find a dress and all of the other "mother of the bride" type things.

How can I recognize her, honor her, and show appreciation for the role she has had in my life without creating unnecessary drama?

[Etiquette Now]

Dear Cupcake,

It might be best to speak to your father about this, letting him know that you want to consider your grandmother as your MOB. Since your stepmother is not this person, you should be able to treat your grandmother as your mother figure in all things--seating, candle, speeches.

Best wishes,