[sikol001]

My daughter is getting married and the wedding is 1500 miles away. My boyfriend of 4.5 years will be attending with me. He has a 12 year old daughter (he only sees her every other weekend). my daughter is not inviting any children to the wedding. Although my daughter has met his daughter only 2 times, he thinks she should be able to make the trip with us and go to the wedding. I say no. What should I do?? Help!!

[Wedding Queen and MOG]

Dear Mom -

Your daughter has chosen to have an adult only wedding, that's her prerogative as host. Plus, only those close to the bridal couple are typically invited. Since neither of them really know your boyfriend's daughter, it doesn't surprise me that she's not invited.

I'm sure your boyfriend is sensitive about his daughter, most parents are, but please try o impress upon him that it's nothing personal against his child. She's not related to the bride, they aren't close (or even friendly) and they hardly know one another. It's an adult event which a young chid should not be attending.

I hope this helps. Please let us know what happens.

[The Mannersmith]

Gently explain to your boyfriend that this is an adult affair and not appropriate for his daughter. Continue by saying that you and he will have many obligations during the event and will not be able to look after his daughter, in addition, since his daughter does not know the bride, groom or other attendees well, she will become bored quite quickly. Then, before your boyfriend has a chance to rebut your comments, focus on something else positive such as the two of you taking his daughter on a special outing. Some appropriate options would be a fancy dinner out, an overnight nearby or a professional play.

[Etiquette Now]

I agree. Plus, please try to help him understand that none of us should try to pressure anyone to allow us to invite our own guests. The daughter wasn't invited. It really doesn't matter what the reason is, but it is what it is. As good guests, we don't invite.

[Etiquette Guy]

Thanks for asking this good question. The answer is a simple one. The guest list is controlled by the host. If someone is not on the guest list, i.e. was not sent an invitation, they may not attend the event. It would be considered rude and disrespectful to ask for an exception. I agree with the points put forward by my colleagues as well. I hope this helps.