[nikdikmcgik]

Hello!

I am a bridesmaid in a friend's destination wedding. Now that actual plans are starting to be made, we are coming to realize that we are responsible for paying for everything. We have brought our concerns to the bride, but she refuses to discuss the issue. For example, we thought the hotel accommodations would be provided for us, but it turns out the bride does not think it is her responsibility. There are many other issues, but I won't go into detail.

Basically, we are spending a lot of money to be able to make it there, and even some money on things we don't feel we should have to pay for. Would it be in poor taste not to give a wedding present?

Thank you!

[Wedding Queen and MOG]

Well, you do have a bit of a dilemma here, don't you?

Whenever you agree to be in a wedding, you should know there will be costs. This is especially true for a destination wedding since you'd have to travel and spend a few days away from home. The bride and groom are responsible for the overnight accommodations for their bridal party (but not travel or food). The rest of the expenses are similar to being a bridesmaid in a wedding at home (buying your dress and accessories, hair and makeup, etc).

I'd try to have a talk with the bride, letting her know that you accepted your role based on what you knew about proper destination wedding etiquette (the wedding couple paying for your hotel) and that it may not be financially feasible for you to be in the wedding - if you have not bought your dress or you're not too far down the line of the planning.

Now, to your question regarding gifts. It is expected that you send a wedding present to the home of the bride before the wedding. This is true of any wedding, no matter where it's held. However, the gift can be something inexpensive - just select something that fits into your budget and that the bride/groom will like. You might even choose to make something if you're crafty or give a gift of your time (Gift certificate for one day of painting your new home). Also, the bridal party to chip into buy one present from all of you.

Note that bridesmaids (especially for destination weddings) aren't obligated to host any pre-wedding parties, so you my have savings there.

I'd love it if you could come back to let me know how this progresses and if I can help you further.

[Weddings Unlimited]

Accepting the role of bridesmaids does come with a lot of responsibilities that involve money. Travel, shower and wedding gift, dress and accessories are all covered by the bridesmaids. Sometimes, they even chip in on the bachelorette party. Many brides will cover the cost of lodging and will often bunk you in with another bridesmaid or two. So yes, you need to include a gift for a destination wedding. As a side note: the bride should have discussed the expenses, so there would be no misunderstanding about the finances.

[Wedding Queen and MOG]

Remember that, for destination weddings, there is often no shower because of the smaller guest list (not to mention the fact that the shower and bachelorette party are optional events and bridesmaids are not REQUIRED to host unless they choose to do so) and only those attending the wedding are invited to a shower or pre-wedding party.

[The Mannersmith]

Zoinks! Those wedding expenses really do add up quickly. While a polite (and kind!) bride will over to cover the accommodations for her bridesmaids, this does not always occur. I can sense the tension you are beginning to feel - excitement for the wedding versus the mounting costs. While gifts are not obligations and invitations are not invoices, there is a give and take here. Presuming you like the bride enough to be in her wedding, you should also like her enough to give her a tangible expression of your well wishes. That said, you may dip into your gift-giving budget to help cover the costs of being in the wedding. Something inexpensive yet thoughtful is appropriate. For example, if they celebrate Christmas, purchase an ornament at the destination. Be sure to include a subtle mention in your card that part of your gift was being an attendant in the wedding.

[nikdikmcgik]

Thank you for the advice! It pretty much goes along with what we were thinking... just needed some reassurance.

[Wedding Queen and MOG]

Here is what The Peggy Post Institute says about bridesmaids responsibilities.

Maid or Matron of Honor

• Helps the bride select the bridesmaids' attire.
• Organizes the bridesmaids' gift to the bride.
• Makes sure bridesmaids have their attire.
• Holds the groom's wedding ring and the bride's bouquet during the ceremony.
• Witnesses the signing of the marriage certificate.
• Stands in the receiving line, if there is one.
• Helps the bride during the reception (gathering guests for the cake cutting, dancing, the bouquet toss).
• Helps the bride change into her going-away clothes, and takes care of the bride's wedding dress and accessories after the reception.

Nice, but optional

• Helps address invitations and place cards.
• Assists in hosting or organizing a pre-wedding party, if the bridesmaids decide to have one.

Bridesmaids

• Attend the bridesmaids' luncheon, if there is one.
• Supervise flower girl(s) and ring bearer(s) if asked.
• Assist the bride at the reception as requested.
• Participate in activities such as a receiving line and a bouquet toss.
• Contribute to the bridesmaids' gift to the bride.

Nice, but optional

• Host a shower, bridesmaids' luncheon, bachelorette, or other pre-wedding party or get-together.